


come on skinny love (just last the year)

by GucciAspirin



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F, Sexual Content, but also tropes, canon-ish compliant, i guess there is angst here, side rinpana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 13:37:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8104435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GucciAspirin/pseuds/GucciAspirin
Summary: “Please, just; don’t leave.” // Maki leaves twice





	

**Author's Note:**

> Skinny Love: when two people love each other but are too scared/shy to admit it.
> 
> all mistakes mine

_ “Each time you happen to me all over again.”  _

**__ \- The Age of Innocence, Edith Wharton _ _ **

 

* * *

 

**_Winter_ **

  
  


**i. small talk in a late night cafe**

 

Maki watches lithe fingers drum across the flat of the table. Her own finger twirls in her hair but she stops as one strand breaks away and falls next to her cup of coffee. She stares at it until Nico breaks the silence: “So how is?” There is something in her voice that sounds like an accusation. She can’t accuse, though - she  _ can’t _ . She has no right.

 

Maki grabs the piece of hair off the table and repeats the question in her head. 

 

When was the last time she even spoke to Nico? Maki thinks it over. 

 

Two years ago during Maki’s graduation - no, no.  _ No. _ She can’t think about that. Besides, it’s wrong. A little after. The going away party. Nico showed up and watched her and said words that meant nothing (and everything).  _ Keep in touch. _

 

Maki called one time. She did not speak but she heard Nico’s faint hello followed by the click of the phone and a dial tone.

 

“Med school, I mean,” Nico says. Her eyes are dull, lips not smiling but curved up. She seems tired, and Maki wonders why Nico agreed to come out to a coffee shop at one am. Wonders why she called Nico in the first place. Maki’s only been back a day. It could have waited. 

 

“I’m not in med school. Not yet, not technically. I have a few more days.” Maki grabs her cup of coffee and takes a long sip. She thinks of what she should say next. “But school has been good. Tiring, but good. I learned a lot while I was away.”

 

Nico bites the inside of her lip, and Maki tries not to focus on it. On Nico’s features in general. The sharpness of her jaw, the thickness of her eyelashes, the defined structure of her nose; she has matured in most places but height. “Why’d you come back?” Nico asks. She stares at Maki; a hard stare. 

 

“I missed,” Maki stops, her heart thuds.  _ This  _ should have gone away, and yet Nico was the first person she called. “Everyone.” 

 

“You can say it you know,” Nico says and she smiles. Maki bites the inside of her cheek to stop the the inevitable returning gesture. “Maki  _ missed _ Nico.” She winks. It is awful and it makes Maki laugh for the first time in two months; it makes Maki remember just how asinine she is. 

 

Maki dips her head down and finishes the rest of her coffee just so she can look away for a moment. “Sure,” she mutters.

 

“Enough to call me past midnight to meet at a coffee shop,” Nico says with this breathy air. She lifts her up chin. “Maki couldn’t even wait for a  μ's get together. Oh, Maki…” she teases her tongue out.

 

Maki feels her face get hot. “How-” Maki stills, breathes in once, “how are you?”

 

Nico shrugs. “I’m still living with Nozomi and Eli. I have a new manager, now. Nozomi doesn’t like him, though. But-” she purses her lips and hums, “I think that I’m really starting to go places now. I have three gigs booked for next week.”

 

“The idol thing?” Maki asks. 

 

Nico rolls her eyes. “I said I’d become the greatest idol, didn’t I?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

She leans in from across the table and flashes her teeth. “Then don’t forget it.”

 

“How could I?”

 

“Good.” Nico sits back down in her chair, she stares behind Maki; most likely looking at the barista. “I can’t believe they even have places open this late. Who gets coffee at one in the morning?”

 

“Us.”

 

“I got decaf. Unlike some, I have a very busy day ahead of me that requires adequate rest. Nico can’t just go around to meetings with bags under her eyes.” 

 

“Then why did you agree to come?” Maki asks. She regrets it right after, when she sees how Nico’s eyes go hard all over again. She doesn’t want a real answer. She doesn’t. Does she?

 

“I missed you,” Nico says. She yawns and stands up. “But I should get going.” Nico places a few crumpled bills on the table and sets her scarf around her neck. “You look good, by the way.”

 

Maki brushes a strand of her behind her ear and nods. She hates how her stomach flutters at one word, at good, at the warmth of Nico’s gaze. “So do you,” she says. “I’ll call.”

 

Nico opens her mouth as if to say something, then shuts it tight. She smiles one last time before turning and leaving. 

 

When she’s gone Maki becomes more aware of her surroundings. The chill of the cafe, the sound the machine makes, the man wearing glasses sitting in the back, the way the street light filters through the tinted glass. It becomes ugly, the brightness is gone. Maki’s heart goes back to a normal beat and her hands don’t sweat.

 

She misses once more. 

 

(It hurts. But she memorizes the tone of the coffee machine, thinks about Nico’s voice and when she’s home she writes for the first time in three years. She composes. She converses.)

 

**ii. social gatherings (that maki never asked for)**

 

They have a party for Maki.  μ's; all of them. Word spreads fast about her return, word by Nico to Nozomi, Nozomi to Eli, Eli to who knows. But it spreads. And it’s not that Maki isn’t happy to see everyone, but the attention on her as a focal is distressing. Everyone  _ watching _ her is distressing.

 

They’re at Honoka’s shop. Or, her family’s shop, the place Honoka is managing. She’s happy, no different except a little thicker. Still pretty. Still vibrant. 

 

It’s too familiar with all of them there, Maki’s skin feels tight. Everyone is the same and everyone is different, and Maki can only think about how she’s changed, if she’s changed.  _ Selfish _ .

 

She watches Honoka from the corner of the room. She’s talking to Nico. Nico grins at her and they laugh; Maki can’t help but be jealous. There is no resentment in the way Nico acts with Honoka, no scorn or judgment that she ended up working at the bread place. She looks at Honoka and her eyes  _ sparkle.  _ When she speaks to Honoka all Maki hears is unbridled honesty with no hidden undertones. 

 

Maki clenches and unclenches her fist. She’s mad. She doesn’t have the right to be, and yet...

 

“Hey,” she hears from the side. Nozomi. 

 

Maki rips her eyes from Nico. “Hey.” She can still hear, if she pays attention, she can still listen in on them. “How has she been?” Maki finds herself asking. It slips out, unwarranted and without permission the way everything slips out when she thinks about Nico.

 

“Better,” Nozomi says. “Than before; better than…” her voice trails off and she closes her eyes when she grins. Maki can’t tell if she’s scorning or not. Probably not, though Nozomi has always been purposefully coy. “She has a manager now. He’s accomplished, but,” she pauses and looks over at Nico. “We all worry.”

 

Maki nods. “Right.”

 

“How have you been? It’s been so long. Your hair is longer.” Nozomi runs a hand through it, it tickles Maki’s neck. They’ve all hugged, all been through small talk, but Maki’s been avoidant enough to not have to go through individual talks; get through brunts of things that are personal. 

 

“I’ve been well,” Maki answers. “Busy. I start the new semester here soon. It’ll be harder.”

 

“But you’re enjoying medical studies?”

 

She almost sounds like Nico, only Nico pushes more. Nico is blunt, she hits; Nozomi dances. Maki doesn’t know in truth. It’s not a passion, but it’s not terrible. “I’m getting there,” she says, then turns forward. Nico must have sensed their staring because she parts from Honoka and comes to them. 

 

“Talking about me?” she asks, looking mostly at Nozomi. Her gaze flits to Maki for a brief second and then heat hits her cheeks. “Ah, Nico forgot that Maki can’t stand withheld attentions from the great Nico Nii.”

 

Maki snorts, covers her mouth. “Gross,” she says, slipping into a new type of dance all together. She doesn’t quite remember the steps, but Nico winks, and she thinks she might be on the right track to  _ Before _ . “That’s still a thing?” Maki asks.

 

“An idol can’t just abandon their catchphrase, jeez.” She rolls her eyes. It’s too familiar and too distant. “Anyways, we held this party for you. Might as well socialize, yeah? Rin is going to think you didn’t miss her,” she looks over to where Rin, Hanayo and Kotori are gathered. Rin looks up and waves, hands splayed out.

 

Maki breathes in and walk over. 

 

**iii.** **small talk in a late night cafe pt.2**

 

_ Vibration.  _

 

Maki is looking over her anatomy textbook, studying the plains of a skull; lo _ o _ king for ways it can fracture and crack. She already knows them. Knows about soft spots, knows about hemorrhaging. But still, she’s in somewhat of a trance when she hears her phone shake atop her wooden desk. 

 

The sound reminds her of tongues flitting against teeth.

 

She looks down at the dim glow. Nico. 

 

Nico: What are you up to?

 

Her lips twitch, her heart thrills; and she doesn’t know why - except she does. But, logically, the reaction doesn’t make sense. It’s just a text.

 

_ Nothing _ , she text back. And then:  _ Studying. _

 

Nico: Jeez. School hasn’t even started yet, nerd

 

Maki clutches her phone. 

 

Nico: Same place? 

 

Nico: That coffee shop, I mean.

 

The place that Maki just selected at random because it happened to be open and nearby and she needed to see Nico. Not for any reason, but like craving water in the middle of the night.

 

Maki: Do you drive? I’ll pick you up if you don’t.

 

Nico: You drive? Scary...

 

Nico: But no. I can take the bus, tho

 

Maki: Very funny.

 

Maki: Also, it’s late.

 

Nico: Aw. Does Maki worry about the great Nico Nico Nii’s safety? 

 

_ Idiot. _

 

Maki: Idiot...

 

Maki: What’s your address?

 

Maki gets it and shows up fifteen minutes later. She puts blush on her cheeks before leaving, a dab of concealer under her eyes to hide the bags. When she’s there Nico is already outside waiting, her knees pressed together as she sits on the stairs outside of the brick building. Nico perks her head up, squints into the car and then stands with a wide smile before prancing over. 

 

She’s wearing a hat that covers her ears, a coat that’s too big for her body. Maki sees a dash of red on her nose.

 

“Nice car you got here,” she says when she enters. “When’d you start driving?”

 

Maki bites her lip. “I kind of had to over there if I wanted to get anywhere.”

 

Nico hums and slouches back in the seat. She stares at the radio, drums her fingers atop the armrest to the song that’s playing. It’s something slow, a violin singing sweetly. Her fingers don’t match the tempo. 

 

In Maki’s peripheral, she sees Nico turn to face her. 

 

“You’re so focused,” Nico says. “There aren’t even any cars out.”

 

“I’m thinking.”

 

Nico’s lips twitch. “You’re always thinking.” Her voice is light, and Maki nearly flinches when she sees Nico edge closer. She places a finger on Maki’s temple. “I always wonder what’s going on in there.”

 

Maki flushes and jerks away, just a little. “Not enough going on in your own?” she teases.

 

Nico slumps back into her seat. Maki’s slightly relieved by the repreve of physical touch, but her temple still burns from where Nico’s finger was. 

 

They pull into the cafe’s lot. The blue sign flashes; Maki thinks it’s broken since the flashes aren’t timed uniformly. But it says opened and that’s enough. She looks at Nico; smiles faintly. 

 

“It really is weird seeing you drive. I can’t drive, and I’m the older one.”

 

“Why don’t you just take the time to learn?” Maki asks

 

Nico opens the car door and waves her hand. “Ah, not enough time. Besides, as a super idol I’ll have my own personal driver soon enough.”

 

“Couldn’t reach the pedal?” Maki smirks at the way Nico’s brow sets, how her eyes laser in. 

 

“I’ll show you where I can reach,” she mutters, then gets out of the car. 

 

Maki follows with the smallest chuckle resting on her lips, it comes out in breaths. “Anyways, why’d you want to meet so late?” she asks when they enter.

 

Nico looks at her over the shoulder. “So when you want to meet at night it’s fine, but when  _ I  _ want to--”

 

“That’s not--I,” Maki stops when she sees Nico laughing at her. “I hate you.” Nico winks. 

 

They sit down at a booth this time, one in the corner. The leather is probably fake, and the sides are tattered, but overall it’s comfortable. Nico looks over the menu. “There is a reason, though. My meeting, the one I mentioned, you know? I got called back about it. I think I’m going to get signed soon. Big label, too.”

 

Maki looks up to see Nico gauging her reaction. It’s amazing how Maki still just  _ knows  _ so many of Nico’s habits. How certain looks mean certain things, how she frowns, how her mouth curves. Nico’s eyes are focused, she’s smiling but it’s not a full smile. “Wow. That’s great.” Maki gives her what she wants. In truth, she’s happy. Nico deserves this. It would have probably happened a lot sooner had she not have made that stupid promise, and Maki still feels residual guilt; but--she can be proud of this. “That’s really great.”

 

“Thanks!” she beams. Her teeth shine, and Maki forgets that it is night. “I told Nozomi and Eli; but they worry so much. You know, it’s like; I can take care of myself.” 

 

Maki laughs under her breath. “They’re right, too,” she says. In seconds she devolves to bad guy. Maki looks up, sees a glint in Nico’s eyes. “Be careful.”

 

“I will.” Nico looks at Maki’s hand. Maki desperately wants her to grab it, like she used to do. To stroke her thumb over the line of Maki’s index finger. To warm her.

 

Maki stands. “What do you want?”

 

“Hot chocolate. Oh and one of those cherry tart things.” 

 

She digs for her wallet but Maki stops her. “I’ve got it.”

 

She goes up and orders one hot chocolate, one black coffee and two cherry tarts; only to be told they have one left. She gets it, walks to the table. The buzz from the coffee machine is still going. That hum, that melody, that flaw.

 

“They only had one,” Maki says, handing the tart and hot chocolate over.”

 

Nico smiles; devilish. “Fight me for it.” She flexes her hand while Maki sits. 

 

Maki quirks one brow up. “Seriously?” 

 

“ _ Scared? _ ” She sticks her thumb up and wiggles it from side to side. 

 

Maki’s throat feels tight. She takes a sip of her coffee. It burns her tongue, setting a trail of fire as it goes down. She hates that word. Still she brings her hand up. “This is childish.” 

 

Nico grabs at her hand and she forgets the pit that rolls in her stomach. “One, two, three, four; I declare thumb war.” Nico tugs and brushes, and despite thinking it’s stupid; Maki does as well. She loses. “Ah, this is going to taste sweeter with victory,” Nico says.

 

“I let you win.” That’s a lie, but the way Nico’s ears prick up makes it worth it. The indulgence of being petulant. 

 

Nico sets her fork down. “Best two out of three.”

 

**iv. movie nights and friends (who aren’t nico)**

 

Rin is at Maki’s left, Hanayo is on her right, and Maki wonders why the hell she’s in the middle. It’s like they want to suffocate her. The couch is too small and she offered to sit on a dining room chair, but they insisted. 

 

Maki’s phone buzzes, and Rin looks up when she feels the vibration on her thigh. “What’s up with that, nya?” she pauses the movie and leans in. “You’ve been texting all night.” The typical, Rin cat-like smile comes into play. “Nico?” 

 

Hanayo looks at them. “Rin, we shouldn’t,” she stops to blush. 

 

Maki rolls her eyes. It’s not like everyone who was in μ's doesn’t know what happened. Nico told Nozomi, Maki told Rin; things spread. They were once so close. All of them. “It isn’t that big a deal,” she says. Nico’s in a waiting room with Nozomi and her manager, apparently she has another meeting. She’s nervous. She hasn’t said that to Maki, yet; but it’s obvious. “We text, that’s all. She’s a…” it feels weird to say friend. Like an admission of sorts. “She’s Nico.”

 

Rin siddles in and sets her head on the crook of Maki’s shoulder. “You still love her though, nya?”

 

Maki’s cheeks burn just as the phone vibrates in her hands. 

 

“You should tell her,” Hanayo says, quiet. “How you feel. I know things didn’t exactly go well when--” blush, swallow, “you left.” Maki plays those words in her head:  _ you left.  _ “But, it’s different now, right?” Hanayo believes too much in true love and fantasy ideals. Though she has Rin, and has always had Rin. It’s different for Maki. Different for Nico. They’ve never been on the same page or wavelength. Like the moon and sun, both of them have the tendency to miss each other in more ways than one. 

 

“I wanna move past that,” Maki says. “Anyways, not everything has to be about romance.”

 

Hanayo places her hand on Maki’s knee. “We’re here for you, in any case.”

 

“Nya!” Rin nuzzles closer.

 

**v. leaving (maki doesn't say stay)**

 

Maki is with Nico. Again. Again. Again. 

 

They do this now. Hang out, talk. It’s like before, but nothing like before.  Maki is older than she was when Nico was 17, and Nico is older than she was when Maki was 17. 

 

Maki  _ feels _ older but only in the way that she feels exhaustion deep in her bones. There is no maturity click, no lose in naivety. She thinks it came for Nico a while ago, perhaps when Maki boarded the plane.  Maki only felt lonely. 

 

“So,” Nico asks, her lips quivering. They are outside at the park; Nico’s bright idea despite the cold air and snowy ground. “I have to ask, do you still write?” She sips on her coffee (if it can be called that with the amount of sugar and creamer loaded in). 

 

Maki looks down at her feet. She can’t not write lately. After years of having no creative balance, now it has come  _ surging.  _ To the point where if she doesn’t play or write, she can’t sleep. School has started, and she isn’t behind - not yet - but there is the impending threat of distraction. “Yes. Lately I have.”

 

“It’s cold. Take me to your place, I wanna hear.” So entitled, this bratty air leaves her mouth like she has the right; like Maki won’t say no.

 

Maki won’t say no. Her body heats up at the thought of Nico in her apartment, them alone in a closed space. Nico watching her, curious and forcibly present. “Let’s go.” Maki stands up and rubs her legs together for warmth before trekking to the car. 

 

They drive in silence. Maki is nervous, she wonders if Nico is nervous. She shouldn’t be nervous. Her hands shake and sweat. 

 

When they enter, the first thing Nico says is, “Your place is boring.” Maki looks around. The walls are plain, she has nothing notable around except her piano and text books. In her night drawer she has several pictures that she occasionally thinks about putting up. With Nico, with the girls, but the people in the pictures seem so happy and distant; it almost hurts Maki to look at them.

 

“I haven’t been here that long,” Maki says. 

 

“Or you’re just boring,”  Nico is smiling, her tongue peeking between her teeth.  She brushes her hand across the piano. “You could do with some color, you know?” 

 

“What? Pinks and reds?”

 

“It’s better than this. Jeez; I’m tempted to call a home decorator. This is downright depressing.” 

 

“I thought you came here to listen, not criticize my apartment.”

 

Nico sits, prettily with her legs crossed and hands lying daintily on the knee. “Oh. I can do both.” She flicks her eyes up and down Maki’s body. Maki’s heart pounds. She’s weak for Nico, noticeably weak; and to detract herself she sits down at the piano. 

 

“I wrote this recently.” She looks at the music in front of her, inspired by the buzz of a coffee machine, and Nico’s voice, and how badly she  _ wants.  _ Her hands drift over the keys smoothly, her eyes close. She plays. What she hears are rich reds melded with dirty browns. She sees that broken sign that says open late, she sees Nico smile. She sees:  _ You look good, by the way.  _ And:  _ Keep in touch.  _ The blood rushes to her hands, pumps her heart, heats her face. 

 

When Maki’s finished it takes her a moment to open her eyes. Nico is staring, mouth opened, eyes wide. She swallows, and Maki watches the slender bob of her throat. 

 

Stillness.

 

“Wow,” Nico says. She forces herself to laugh. “Kind of sad, right?”

 

“You don’t like it? I have others.”

 

“No! I do, it’s beautiful.” She itches the back of her neck, and Maki takes brief pride in how speechless she is. Nico stands. Her cheeks are red now, her hands curled. “I should go.”

 

“I’ll take you.”

 

“No,” Nico says. Strong, desolate. “Maki, I don’t think I should --  _ we  _ should...” she chews the inside of her cheek. Maki begins to play with the ends of her hair. She can’t look at Nico. She already knows what’s about to happen, and she doesn’t really have the right to tell Nico to stay. “I need to go.” She smiles, fake smile; Maki hates it - it makes her feel like everyone, unnoticed. She cringes. “Nozomi and Eli are probably waiting for me.”

 

She leaves, and Maki feels her stomach plummet. 

 

She writes more.

 

**vi. three years ago**

 

Graduation. 

 

Maki doesn’t really know what to do with that. She doesn’t feel it. It was just a day, just a moment. She looks up at the sky and sighs. 

 

“Cheer up. You’d think that you’d be at least a little happy.” Nico looks down at her and grins. Her face lights up under the moon’s glow, only the shadows of her neck are dark. 

 

They’re looking at the stars together. Everyone else has gone home, tired from the celebrations, but Nico promised they’d do something; just the two of them. And Maki couldn’t say no to that  _ grin _ , the way her teeth grazed her lip. How do you say no to someone you’ve been in love with since you were 15; two years now.

 

“I guess I don’t feel it yet,” Maki says. She sighs and moves to sit up, wraps her arms around her knees. “Did you feel it?”

 

“Right away,” Nico says. “I think it was bittersweet; I didn’t want to leave you. Or μ's.” Maki laughs a little. She doesn’t think Nico ever left. She visits so much. “Being a school idol, I miss that.”

 

“You’re going onto bigger things, now,” Maki states. Nico got an agent straight out of high school, the μ's name still fresh around the world. And yet, she stalls. 

 

“We,” Nico says. “I haven’t forgot your promise. You said you’d compose for me.”

 

Maki’s stomach lurches.  _ That. _ “I need to tell you something.”

 

Nico stands up and wipes the grass from her clothes. “Tell me while we walk.” Maki stands and almost feels bad when she takes Nico’s hand. They aren’t dating or anything. Holding hands is something friends do; but Maki still feels warmth tinge her entire body when they’re touching. It’s embarrassing, but in the moments when they’re like this, alone - she doesn’t care. 

 

“I told you that I got into Harvard.” 

 

Nico freezes, she clenches her hand involuntarily. “But you don’t really wanna go there, right?” she says. 

 

_ No. _ “Daddy says I should. At least for a few years, I don’t have--”

 

“You’re leaving?”

 

“I have to.”

 

Nico turns to face her. They’re on the sidewalk, alone; but Maki feels as though people are watching. There is too much intimacy in the look. “I thought...I thought we were supposed to do this together. I didn’t even know you still cared about medical stuff. You don’t talk about it like you care.”

 

“You don’t need me to be an idol,” Maki says. “You never have.”

 

“I know that,” Nico snips. She rips her hand away. Maki doesn’t get it; Nico has always wanted the spotlight so why now? Why continue to do μ's related stuff two years after, why not take what she wanted for so long. “I wanted you, though,” she says. Her voice is gravely. “And you don’t want to go to Harvard, so why? Why not stay?” Nico takes her hand again. “With me.”

 

Maki looks down. “I can’t.”

 

“Take a risk,” Nico says. She sets her jaw hard so that it looks as if it could lock in place. “Stop being so damn scared and do what you want,  _ Jesus _ , Maki.”

 

“It’s a little bit different when it’s outside of high school and impacts your entire life, Nico. Not everyone can handle that.”

 

“You promised.”

 

“ _ When I was 15.” _ Maki takes a deep breath and lets it out. Her eyes sting. 

 

Nico is still staring at her, determined. She never gives up, she never will; and Maki’s going to have to live with that. She admires it, how Nico can just not care all while caring too much. How she can just take what she wants and do what she wants and--

 

“Then stay for me,” Nico says. Maki jerks her head up. 

 

“What?” 

 

Nico grabs her face, hard. Her hands could leave bruises on Maki’s cheeks, but Maki doesn’t care and she finds herself leaning into Nico until their lips meet. They clash. Teeth knocking, noses bumping. Maki’s first kiss hurts everywhere until it does not. Until she figures out that Nico is so close and her chapped lips are touching Maki’s. Maki kisses back until they are melding. She opens her mouth against Nico and takes her bottom lip, grabs her neck and twins her hands in black hair before sliding down. 

 

She feels like she could die at any moment with the way her heart races and head spins. She could get lost in Nico, drown in her. Nico’s tongue runs along the line of her lip before brushing her teeth and touching Maki’s. And Maki feels herself whimper. She digs her fingers into Nico’s hips, she wants them close, she wants to  _ take and take and take.  _

 

Nico pulls away. She rests her forehead against Maki’s; breathes. “Stay for me. Stay for us; for this. Please.  _ Please _ , just; don’t leave.”

 

When she isn’t lost in the haze of Nico, Maki realizes why she can’t. She could drown in Nico; Nico is  _ dangerous.  _ Nico is the sun and all pretty things that hurt to touch. 

 

Maki  _ is _ scared. 

 

“I can’t,” she says, weak and soft. She wishes Nico would kiss her again.

 

Nico’s hands tighten against her face. “Maki Nishikino, you’re a pussy.” 

 

She leaves. She doesn’t ask Maki to stay again, and she leaves. 

 

**vii. now; they both know things**

 

Maki sees Nico on her phone’s screen for the first time in two weeks. She waits for it to ring twice, then answers. “Hello?” her voice is calm despite her nerves. She thought she might not ever hear from her again, with the exception of the occasional get together. 

 

“Maki,” her voice is rough. She’s been crying. “Can I come over?”

 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Maki grabs for her keys. “I’’ll get you.” She hears a knock on the door that’s echoed on her phone. 

 

“Don’t bother,” Nico says.

 

Maki goes to the door and opens it. She finds Nico with red rimmed eyes, a sweatshirt and sweatpants on. She’s probably freezing. “You look rough. Come inside.” 

 

“Thanks,” Nico deadpans before entering. She doesn’t say anything else as she plops down on the couch and sighs. She rolls her head back, and Maki watches the slender column of her neck; the way it rolls and moves when she breathes.

 

Maki sits down adjacent to her. Waits.

 

“Maki,” Nico says. “Play me something. Anything.”

 

Maki looks at Nico. Insufferable Nico; Nico who should come with her own damn warning sign. And yet, Maki thinks that in some ways Nico is her warning, her point of reason - or maybe insanity. In any case, Maki finds herself sitting at her piano. “Anything?” she asks. 

 

Nico nods. 

 

Maki plays. Something different than before. When she plays she thinks of leaving. Blue skies, clouds, a broken heart in her chest. She doesn’t close her eyes, but instead looks at Nico as she plays, only occasionally glancing at the music and keys. 

 

Nico watches. Transfixed and unsettled. 

 

“You play like you’re sad,” Nico says when Maki’s done. “Why are you so sad? You don’t have the right to be, you know?”

 

Maki’s heart beats two times, hard and fast. She notices it. 

 

“Well don’t just keep staring at me,” Nico says with a roll of her eyes. Maki repeats the gesture, throws it back; but then sits next to her. “My manager tried to kiss me. Well, he did.” Nico blinks slowly, tears fall and streak the concealer on her skin. They leave pretty clear lines. 

 

Maki puts her hand on Nico’s shoulder. She thinks of Nozomi, and wonders if that’s why Nico is here. Does she really believe Nozomi would say I told you so, though. Or perhaps she’s afraid of seeing the met disappointment in green eyes. Maybe she doesn’t want to deal with it. Maybe Maki’s overestimating her role, and Nozomi already knows; but then why is Nico here? “I’m sorry,” Maki says. 

 

“I don’t have a manager,” Nico says. “He’s dropping me because I wouldn’t,” Nico looks up and her cheeks flush a deep red. “Oh, also I slapped him,” she says with a wet laugh. 

 

Maki grabs her hand and digs her thumb into Nico’s palm. “It could have been worse. Be careful, okay.” She’s vaguely aware of how her heart is racing. She’s never seen Nico’s manager. Is he a big guy?  _ Could he have done worse?  _ She’s read cases, kept herself up at night when she didn’t want to study anymore. 

 

Nico leans into Maki’s shoulder. “I took Karate classes once.”

 

Maki laughs against Nico’s hair. “You’re still short. And tiny.” Nico looks up and glares. “Try not to be such an idiot.”

 

“Is that your  _ I told you so? _ ”

 

Maki shrugs. “I never really told you in the first place.”

 

“I’m afraid to say it to Nozomi and Eli.”

 

“They’re not going to judge you.”

 

“Yes they will,” Nico says. “But they aren’t blunt like you, so it will come out in parts. Slowly, but there. It’ll be in Nozomi’s voice every time she tells me to be careful about what happens next. In the way Eli looks at me when I go out. Pity. I don’t want it.”

 

“What do you want?” Maki says looking down.

 

“I want to be told one time that I was stupid; and then to have it all dropped.” She curls more into Maki, and Maki feels her breathing tighten. Her chest pounds. Proximity. 

 

“That isn’t how these things work.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You’re stupid.”

 

“I know.” She sighs against Maki’s chest. They stay there for a few minutes. “I pushed you away,” Nico then says into the stillness. 

 

“I know.”

 

“I don’t feel sorry about it.” There is a bite in her words, a sting. She’s pushing a tak under Maki’s skin to see how she’ll react. It’s childish and petty, and Maki thinks she deserves it on some level. 

 

“I know.”

 

**_Spring_ **

  
  


**i. walks in the park and conversations of the future**

 

Maki walks out of her class and sees Nico with large sunglasses on. She’s holding two coffees and has a bag around her wrist. Maki thinks she’s lost, or Maki’s maybe seeing things; but no. It’s Nico, waiting for her. 

 

She walks up. “Nico? What are you doing here?”

 

“Thought I’d surprise you. Say thanks.”

 

Maki thinks to a couple of weeks ago. Weeks. She hasn’t seen Nico in weeks. They’ve texted about random things like before but that’s it. “Uh - okay. How’d you even know my schedule?” 

 

Nico winks and hands a coffee over. “Nozomi’s magic is rubbing off on me.”

 

Maki sighs and sets her teeth together. “Rin?”

 

“Magic,” Nico repeats, just as Maki spots orange hair darting towards them. 

 

“ _ Maki! _ ” she says, too loud. It isn’t like Maki doesn’t see Rin a lot. They go to the same school now; though Rin is doing something with sports therapy. “You found her easy, nya?” she says looking at Nico. 

 

“Dammit, Rin, she was just starting to believe me.”

 

“No I wasn’t.”

 

Nico sticks her tongue out. “Spoilsport.” She walks next to Maki with Rin at her side. “Anyways, what are you doing today?”

 

Maki looks at Rin, then at Nico. “I was going to study,” she says. 

 

“Nope,” Nico says, “We’re going to the park. It’s sunny outside and not freezing, and I look cute.” She does, with her white dress and bright eyes. 

 

Maki rolls her eyes. “I have a paper due.”

 

“One hour.”

 

“Maki you should go!” Rin smiles and leans up against her. “You haven’t been out in a while.” Maki glares at the both of them.

 

“Are you going, Rin?”

 

There is something almost calculating in the look she gives Maki. She glances at Nico. “Nope! Have to meet Hanayo somewhere, but see you two later.” She runs off. 

 

“Do I have a choice?” Maki says looking at her coffee. Nico’s name is on both cups in smooth, but looped writing. The sharpie is bold against the white of the cup, Maki presses her finger against it to see if she can feel a difference in texture. She doesn’t. 

 

“Nope. But I got you a tart.” She digs through her bag and hands over a small wrapped pastry. “I ate mine on the way. Let’s go.”

 

Maki stares at the pastry, then grabs it. She walks tandem with Nico. “Actual park or that place with the trees on campus?” Either would work. The campus here is really quite something. She missed her home, the plants here, the way everything in the spring seems pink and vibrant. 

 

“The place on campus. I’ve only been here a few times.” Nico takes a long sip out of her drink. A smudge of lipstick is left on the lip of the cup. Bright red stark against white. She follows the cup to Nico’s lips, looks at them, soft and cracked. “Sorry,” she says, and Maki can see the way her lips form around the words. She snaps her head up. “For showing up at your place like that.”

 

“It’s fine.” It isn’t. Maki was worried and she doesn’t get worried, hasn’t in a long time - it made her heart ache. Being with Nico tends to do that. Every time Maki looks at her it’s like falling all over again. Maybe not even in love; just the sensation of tumbling down. “What are you going to do?”

 

Nico gives a dry laugh. “It hasn’t been that long.” Weeks are long. “Nozomi wants to manage me.” Maki pauses, feeling Nico trip behind her. “What the hell are you stopping for?” she says. Maki looks over to see a little bit of Nico’s drink has spilled over. 

 

Maki walks. “What are you going to say?”

 

“Dunno. She doesn’t have any experience, but she has contacts. From the μ's days, and some internship she did a while back. But still…”

 

Maki thinks that years ago Nico would have jumped on this. What made her decide to be Atlas and carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. Maki takes a sip of her coffee; it’s warm, but not hot. She begins to think of herself as Titan, an unknowing condemner. “Going in together could be nice,” Maki says, then curses her choice of wording. 

 

Nico clucks her tongue and tilts her head to the side. “It’s not so simple. Though, at least Nozomi is someone I can trust.” Maki doesn’t know if there is intent in her words or not, so she doesn’t read into it.  “In any case; I still want to book the label. I think...I think they’re still interested. I hope. I’ve called a few times, and one time I got a call back.”

 

Maki stops again. One time. It isn’t that she thinks Nico can’t do it, but at what cost, and at what stage does someone give up? Nico might be the most resilient person Maki knows, the bravest. It’s times likes these when she remembers why she can’t fall out of love with her. Nico clings, she sticks to every person she meets.

 

Nico makes an impression.

 

**ii. small talk in a late night cafe pt.3**

 

Nico asks one night when they’re together again. Sitting in a booth as she fiddles with the lid of her cup, she asks, “So did you see anyone over there?”

 

Maki stalls. Yes. She saw a girl with pale blonde hair and blue eyes who looked nothing like Nico because she was nothing like Nico. When that didn’t work out she saw a girl with dark hair and dark eyes and a world’s worth of ambition. She wasn’t Nico either. “Nothing that worked out or went far,” Maki says. She takes a sip of her drink to relieve the way her throat burns. She has to ask now: “What about you?” The question feels like bile. 

 

Nico repeats, “Nothing that worked out or went far,” and smirks. “I was too busy. I mean, I took a quick break - wanted to think about some things; but after that…”

 

“I’m surprised you aren’t already signed,” Maki says. Her cheeks flush, she shouldn’t have said that. “Being the great Nico Nii and all,” she recovers with. 

 

Nico leans back. Even though they’re in a public place, she reaches around and sets her hands behind her head as if she were at home. “A lot of people wanted me to conform. I wasn’t into that, you know? When I’m famous, I’ll be big. Unique. I don’t want to be some passing idol. I wanna be  _ the idol. _ ”

 

“Have you thought any more on Nozomi?”

 

“Yeah,” Nico says. She yawns. “I’m still thinking about it. Managing everything on my own is hard, and there are a few people who wanna talk to me but I gotta be more careful this time around with who I pick. I think I’m gonna stick to a woman. Women are less likely to be skeeves.”

 

Maki hums, neither agreeing or disagreeing. 

 

“What’s next for you. Are you gonna be Doctor Nishikino, healer of the wounded?” her voice has an edge to it.

 

“Something like that, I guess.” Maki knows she should try to sound more enthusiastic; but it’s hard when she isn’t really. It isn’t that what she’s learning is boring, it’s just there are always things she’d rather be doing instead. Like playing her piano. “Do you write your own lyrics now?” she arches one brow. 

 

“As a matter of fact, I do.” 

 

“ _ Really? _ ”

 

“What!? They’re actually good. Sometimes.”

 

“You’ll have to show me,” Maki says in after thought. Then she sees the way Nico’s eyes light up. Internally, she sinks. 

 

Nico stands up. “Let’s go. Your place. I can show you now.”

 

“Nico…”

 

She stands with her arms crossed. “We don’t have all day.”

 

“It’s night.

 

Nico waves her hands up. “Exactly, and the night ain’t getting any younger, Nishikino. Get up!”

 

“Have I ever mentioned how annoying you are?” Maki mumbles as she stands. 

 

Nico places her hands over her heart. “Nico is hurt,” she does this thing where her eyes go big and her lip juts out; it’s absolutely disgusting in an oddly adorable way. “Now come on.” She stomps her foot, and Maki hates that it actually does get her to move a little faster. 

 

They drive a few minutes, get to the apartment; and then Nico stands by the couch. She breathes in deep. “You ready?”

 

Maki glowers at her. “I think I was ready when you rushed me out of that cafe five minutes ago.” She yawns, mostly just to annoy Nico, to see how her eyes harden and brows furrow. Maki has to bite the inside of her cheek to stop her lips from twitching up when it works. “Well?” she sits at the nearest place, that being her piano stool. 

 

When Nico starts to sing, Maki notes that the beat and tone aren’t somber. But the words are. Her voice has gotten stronger, deeper on some levels. She is stunning. So stunning, so beautiful; lovable. It makes Maki’s breath catch in her throat, she feels like she’s choking, taking in too much all at once. Nico’s stance is strong, legs straight, back straight, hair down today and coiled around the now sharp lines of her face and jaw. 

 

Yes. Maki does not think she’s ever seen something as stunning as Nico Yazawa in her natural element. 

 

Maki shifts at some point. Lifts the cover to her piano, closes her eyes; plays a song that songs like Nico and a buzzing coffee machine and late night talks. The one she started after coming back. Now it sounds different. It is full of life. Nico’s voice is the string that pulls Maki’s fingers across the keys, and Maki is an instrument. 

 

When it’s over, Maki lets out the breath she was holding. 

 

“Wow,” Nico says.

 

“Yeah.” Maki’s chest rises and falls, as does Nico’s. She looks at Maki, her eyes darker than normal, lips opened just a little. Enough so that Maki can see the pink line of her tongue matched with small, white teeth. Maki studies her collarbones, how thin she is; how the flatness of her chest shows just how hard she’s breathing. 

 

Nico swallows. Maki can hear the gulp and see her throat roll. “I’ve gotta go.”

 

Maki stands. “Nico-” she calls out.

 

“I’m not leaving. Not for good; I realized I can’t really do that the last time I left this place,” Nico admits. She laughs. “Nico didn’t realize Maki was so clingy, eh?” With that she walks towards the door. “I’ll text.”

 

“Okay.” When she leaves Maki finds herself playing again.

 

**iii. reminiscing under stars (maki sits next to one)**

 

They are in the grass on a dark night looking at the stars. Maki doesn’t know how she got here; why she let Nico drag her out like this. But here they are, in a park. Nico is a foot away from her, her shirt hitched up slightly to show her navel. Maki watches as it dips up and down with slow breaths. 

 

“I feel like I’m 17,” Nico says. “Remember?”

 

Maki remembers being 17 and lying in the grass at night, too. Being asked to stay 20 minutes later. She glances at Nico and wonders if she would have made the same decision. She isn’t sure. She hates that she still isn’t sure. 

 

Now, Maki remembers being 15 in a field of grass with the rest of μ's; Nico cuddled into her side. She remembers them being in that position again later. Nico’s hand on hers, sweaty, the grass itching against the backs of her thighs. “Yeah,” Maki sighs.

 

“Things changed so fast,” Nico says. She places her hands on top of her stomach, but then lifts them up into the air. Like she’s trying to catch the stars with her fingers. Nico probably could. “I wonder when everything changed?” Maki’s stomach clenches. “It was easier daydreaming. Not that I thought what would come would be easy; but you know? It’s hard.”

 

Maki hums. “Nico?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Why’d you ask me out here? It’s random.”

 

Nico turns and faces her, lying on her side. “I guess I wanted to say sorry. Kind of.” She purses her lips, places a finger against them; and smiles. “You know, Maki, you should come with hazard lights, or something.

 

Maki shifts as well to look at Nico. She places her hand under her hair so the grass won’t itch her ear. “Why?”

 

“Sometimes I see you and tell myself:  _ she’s going to leave _ , so I won’t get in too deep. And then I keep wondering when you’ll leave, when it’s going to happen. I want to stay away from you, but I can’t.” She sighs and wets her lips. “That’s been our thing, right?  _ Magnetic _ . Like I can’t help it when you’re near.”

 

Maki’s heart stops. At least she thinks it does because she can’t find the beat of it. She can’t focus on the sound in her chest, or how it moves. She’s never been more unaware of herself. “I’m not leaving,” Maki says, though she doesn’t know how much truth is in that. 

 

“How can I believe that?”

 

“How are you being so open?” Maki asks, her voice has gone hard, defensive. 

 

Nico sits up and criss-crosses her legs. “One of us has to be,” she says, smiling. 

 

Maki once again follows her in the change of positions. “I’m not lying.” She sets her jaw straight. 

 

“Okay then. Right now what do you feel?” With her hands on the grass, she moves her entire body forward to lean in.

 

“Right now? Annoyed. I don’t know why you made me come out at random just to tell me that I’m a liar.”

 

“I never said that. I said that you weren't open. Which you aren’t.”

 

“I can be!”

 

Nico leans in even further. “So annoyed? That’s all you feel?” Her eyes trail down to Maki’s lips, and Maki thinks that if she just moved forward an inch. But then Nico backs away, faster than she came. She looks up at the stars. “Anyways, that isn’t the only thing I wanted to talk about.”

 

Maki reels, her head goes fuzzy; she’s dizzy. “I think that I’m going to let Nozomi manage me,” she says.

 

“Really? That’s good.”

 

“Well, even the great Nico Nii can’t do it all alone, can she?” Nico bites her lip. “I always thought I could. In some ways, I still think I can. But μ's made me special in a way that’s indescribable.”

 

“I know.” Maki says it without thought. 

 

“It was love,” Nico says. “I think...I think it was love.”

 

Her eyes glimmer under the light of the moon, but they’re dark. Maki twirls a finger in her hair but doesn’t break the eye contact, she feels as though she’s being challenged. Who will break first? Maki doesn’t even blink, though sometimes her eyes lower to the sharp shadows on Nico’s face, to the way her teeth catch her lip. 

 

What would happen if she touched Nico’s face? Maki imagines running her index finger along Nico’s jaw, to her mouth.

 

“My eyes hurt,” Nico says, her lips curving up. 

 

Maki smiles too. It’s then that she feels how dry her eyes are, if she blinks there would be tears. “Then blink.”

 

**iv. five years ago**

 

They’re sitting on the grass in the sun, just the two of them. Nico is curled into Maki’s side, head on her shoulder, hands clutched together. Both of them are sweating and the grass below Maki’s thighs is itchy, but there is nowhere else she’d rather be at the moment. 

 

Nico’s mouth brushes against her pulse, a flutter like butterfly wings. But Maki can feel her skin tinge scarlet. She thinks the moment she realized that she loved Nico - not just loved, but was in love with Nico, is when they were at the beach. When Nico’s name flew out of her mouth.  _ I don’t want a μ's without you. _ And now Maki notices every little thing she does. Every touch, every look every word that leaves her mouth; even the ones she tries to avoid. Nico being Nico, Nico being  _ annoying,  _ Nico talking about leaving.

 

Not leaving, just new things. Big things. Maki is happy and sad.

 

“Aren’t you nervous?” she asks. 

 

Nico squeezes her hand tighter and laughs against her skin. “The great Nico Nii? Nervous?”

 

Maki turns and looks down. “You’re a great something,” she mutters. 

 

Nico sighs and sinks deeper into Maki’s side.  _ So _ not helping the whole in love thing, but Maki doesn’t move away from her. “Yeah. But I’m more excited than anything. I’m gonna miss you, though. All of you,” she says. Maki looks at her face and sees that her cheeks are redder than before.

 

“You have me,” Maki says.  _ Stupid. Way to be vague about feelings.  _ “I mean, I’ll be here. I could even help compose for you, or whatever. If you wanted.”

 

Nico’s hair rustles against Maki’s neck as she looks up. “You’d do that?”

 

“I mean, obviously you’d want professionals, probably but--”

 

“I only what you,” Nico says. Maki’s breath catches in her throat. Nico ducks her head and clears her throat. “To compose for me. Nico needs the best, and that’s Maki,” she flashes a wide smile, her teeth shining bright against the sun. 

 

“I could do that,” Maki says. She thinks she’d say anything for Nico in this moment. 

 

Nico kisses her cheek, a warm and dry press of lips that burns Maki’s skin. Then she jumps on top of Maki. “We could be a team, you know! Nico and Maki!” She’s hovering over Maki, happy; so happy. 

 

Maki nods as hot laughter bubbles from the back of her throat. But then suddenly Nico is looking at he very serious. Her eyes trail down Maki’s nose to her lips, and back up. “Are you sure, though? I mean I guess it’s far away and...the doctor thing.”

 

“I don’t think I want that,” Maki says before shaking her head. “No. I know I don’t want that. After this year; I love playing so much. I love--” Maki stops, swallows the lump in her throat. Nico waits, patient but too close, their body heat is melded together, her hands are practically pinning Maki to the ground. “I love playing,” she repeats. Nico lets out a breath. Maki thinks she sees disappointment but isn’t sure, she’s never been great at reading people. 

“So you’d compose for me?” Nico asks.

 

“I will. I promise,” Maki says. 

 

Nico continues to look at her face. A carnal part of Maki that she didn’t know existed wants to pull her down, craves the feeling of more of her. She wants to feel lips, see how they would curve against her own. 

 

After a few minutes Nico seems to realize her position and rolls off of Maki with pink dusted cheeks. “I’m going to remember that,” Nico says. She turns and grins ear to ear. Maki tries to pinpoint the moment she fell in love (before realizing it, before thinking it was just a stupid crush), but can’t. 

 

Maybe she tip-toed in with each passing smile and touch.

 

**v. rice and tomatoes**

 

Hanayo takes a large bite out of her rice and smiles while chewing it. Maki looks at her, takes in the details of how she’s changed. She sees Rin a lot, but Hanayo goes to a different school - one that’s close by, but it isn’t like Maki gets the chance to swing by much. Without Rin it’s quieter.

 

Hanayo doesn’t look much different, except she’s grown taller. She’s more full in the cheeks and around the bust. Maybe Maki would see a bigger difference if she held up an older photo of when they were kids.

 

“How are things?” Hanayo asks. They met by chance, bumping into each other by the school’s dining hall. Maki didn’t really prepare anything, didn’t know she’d be engaging with people. 

 

“Good,” Maki says. “What about with you and Rin.” Maki can’t say she’s surprised the two are still together. They fit, they were always happy. To the point where Maki felt like a third wheel at times once they went official second year. That might be how Nico felt with Nozomi and Eli, and Maki smiles briefly when thinking about it. 

 

Hanayo flexes her hands. “Great,” she giggles. “Though she seems like she knows more where she’s going than I do.” She fixes her glasses and looks down at her now empty rice bowl. 

 

Maki forks around her salad. She’s only eaten the tomatoes, but her appetite isn’t that great. “Does anyone know?” she says idly. 

 

“I thought you wanted to be a doctor.”

 

“Yeah,” Maki says. “You’ll figure it out, though. I’m sure.”

 

Hanayo sighs, but then perks back up. “How are things with Nico?” 

 

“You tell me,” Maki says. She glances back down at her salad and then pushes it forward. “Weird. She’s weird, and annoying. Still.”

 

“You should tell her.”

 

“Oh, I’ve told her that she’s weird and annoying many times.”

 

“That you love her,” Hanayo says with a deep breath. “She’s not gonna really know until you say something. She might suspect, but--”

 

“I can’t,” Maki says. “Not with the way things are right now.”

 

“You never told me how they are.”

 

“Tense. It’s like how it used to be, but nothing like that. She resents me for choosing medics over composing, I think.” Maki chews on her lip. “I can’t tell if she hates me or-- I don’t know.”

 

“The two of you have been at each other’s throats since you met.” Hanayo laughs. “It could be like one of those romance movies, or books!” her cheeks go pink, her eyes glaze over; Maki’s going to vomit. “Declarations, rain, pining.”

 

Maki gives a dry laugh. “People aren’t books.”

 

“And yet written in the stars is still a saying.” Hanayo’s cheeks dimple as she smiles. 

 

Rin is lucky, Maki thinks; both of them are. “Sap,” Maki says. She brings her salad closer and begins to eat again. 

 

“Really, you should tell her,” Hanayo says. “What harm could it do?”

 

Maki places a hand in her hair, drags down catching a few kinks. She twirls a strand near her face. “A lot, I think. But I’ve got time. I don’t plan on leaving again.”

 

**vi. recollection of the promise**

 

Nico: what are you doing?

 

Nico: like right now.

 

Maki looks at her phone. She presses her fingers against the screen and brushes over Nico’s name. Her text book is opened in front of her, pictures of veins, blood vessels. She looks at the phone again.

 

Maki: Studying. 

 

Maki: Why?

 

Nico: can i come over?

 

Maki: I mean i’m studying…

 

Nico: so?

 

Maki: I guess, but i have a text tomorrow.

 

Maki: *test

 

Nico: k 

 

Nico: be there in a few

 

Maki sets the phone down and curls her fingers through her hair. She picks the phone back up, looks at it for vanity sake. She looks fine, tired; but not horrible or anything. Besides, it’s just Nico, she tells herself. Just Nico. Though it’s odd she’s coming over so sudden. Maki hopes that nothing is wrong.

 

She hears a knock on the door twenty minutes later. Nico doesn’t bother with introductions as she barrels into the place, eyes wide. “Every time,” she starts, “Every freaking time!” She looks winded. “Hey, Maki.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Eli was gone for a few days and she’s back which means crazy-weird sex. And to think I got them that gag for nothing,” Nico sticks her fingers into her mouth and does a vomiting motion.

 

“Headphones,” Maki says with one brow arched. 

 

“You don’t know what Eli sounds like. We got noise complaints last time.”

 

Okay. Ew, fair enough. “I’ve still got some reading to do, so keep it quiet,” Maki says. She walks back to her desk.

 

“Yeah, whatever.” Nico sits on the couch. For some reason it bothers Maki. She won’t be able to see Nico, but Nico will be able to watch her. It’s daunting. Still, Maki doesn’t bother voicing the thought. 

 

As she studies, she feels Nico’s eyes on her. Every time she looks up though, Nico is on her phone. She’s imagining it, she knows that - but still...

 

“What’re you studying anyways?” Nico asks when Maki looks up again. 

 

“Veins. Where they are in the body for shot location. Blood vessels.”

 

“You look bored,” Nico says. “Restless. Though I guess Nico’s presence is great,” she winks, and Maki rolls her eyes. “Anyways, how can you do that by just looking at a book.”

 

“Well it isn’t like I have any willing participants I can stick.”

 

Nico shuffles from her position on the couch and begins to roll up the sleeves of her blue, button-up blouse. “Don’t stick me,” Nico says. “But I mean, looking at an actual person is probably better than that book, yeah?”

 

Maki chews on her lip. Her hair spins between fingers, tickling the side of her face. This is a bad idea, the proximity; it’s almost like Nico’s testing her. Seeing how far Maki will go. Maki furrows her brows and stands. She walks up to Nico and takes the spot beside her, close so that their thighs touch. With only mild hesitation, Maki grabs Nico’s wrist. The tips of her lips quirk when she hears the catch in Nico’s breath. She taps the area so that blue sticks out, slides her index finger up the line and then presses. “Usually if you can just find a common vein, it should be fine when you want to get into the bloodstream,” Maki says. “Yours are prominent.” She looks at the pale skin.

 

“Uh huh,” Nico says. She licks her lips with the tip of her tongue. 

 

Maki brings her hand down to Nico’s hand. She looks at the front, taps again, finds it fast enough. She’s watched people do this, for the most part she has it. In actuality, what she needs to know are details, not anatomy - but the spur to  _ touch,  _ a reason. She feels the vein on Nico’s hand. “Patients who are being infused like hand injections, typically.” Maki rolls her thumb along the point. “Gives them more room to move.” 

 

Nico catches her eye. Her pupils are dilated, mouth opened just a little. It gives Maki an idea. She takes her hand away from Nico’s wrist, up to her neck, to her jaw; feels around there. “You’d check for lymph nodes here. Swallow.” 

 

Nico’s throat rolls against her palms. “Anything?”

 

Maki smirks. “No.” She brings her hands higher, hovers above Nico’s mouth. “Of course, there are other shots, anesthetics that are administered orally.” Nico opens her mouth wider, like she expects Maki to go in. Like she wants it. “Of course, I don’t plan on being a dentist, so I wouldn’t need to know much about that.” 

 

Nico shuts her mouth, teeth clamping down with a tight bite noise.

 

Maki’s face is still close. She can feel Nico’s breath, puffs of air that come from her nose. Her lips smell like strawberry. Maki wonders if they would taste sweet.

 

“Maki?” Nico says, and Maki jolts her gaze up to see the darkened vermillion of Nico’s eyes. 

 

“Yes?” she croaks.

 

“Play for me.”

 

Maki stands up and walks to the piano, as if she can’t do anything but follow what Nico says. The way her body reacts is irritating, the honesty she can have, the inability to hide. “Okay. Will you sing?”

 

Nico nods. 

 

She plays, and Nico sings. They sound like the abstract idea of harmony, belonging together. Maki’s never played so thoroughly, and Nico’s never sounded so strong. Maki resents how well they work together. How they can just amplify one another without trying, how it all just seems to work. Maki’s fingers drifting across the keys like she was born to touch and love nothing but the piano and Nico (maybe  _ maybe  _ she was). 

 

When they stop, Nico is staring at her hard and long. Her brows are furrowed, hands clenched. Anger. Maki will hear it. “ _ Why _ ?”

 

Maki stands up. She doesn’t like being leveled below Nico, being talked down to. “Why what?”

 

“You can listen to that and tell me you that you still care about,” she waves over to the textbook, “this crap? And then you have the nerve to say that you’re honest.”

 

Maki rolls her eyes. “We’re really having this discussion? Again?”

 

“Well, Maki, it isn’t like you really answered me the first time. I know you’re scared, but at least give me a decent explanation as to how you can just ignore this.” Her voice is loud, bordering on yelling.

 

“Not everything is cut and clear, Nico,” Maki says, she walks closer so she can see the details of Nico’s face.  _ Feel the anger.  _ “I have obligations outside of you.”

 

Nico slams her hand down to her side. “ _ Well you didn’t have to leave.”  _ She screams, lets out parts of the frustration she’s been harboring against Maki for the last few years in one sharp noise. It hurts and fuels Maki all at once. 

 

“Did you really think that I could have stayed with you and -” Maki growls. “I would have changed my mind if I didn’t leave. I wouldn't have been able to,” the words are grit, every word she says feels like vomit; throat acidic and tongue tasting sour and bitter. She brushes a hand through her hair and doesn’t finish the sentence. 

 

“You should have stayed,” Nico says. “Stop being so scared and just do what you want.”

 

“Do what I want?” Maki says, and then, under her breath, “And end up like you?” Maki’s not even sure why she said it, if she just wanted to hurt Nico or cause damage. She doesn’t think she meant it, but at the same time - Maki doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything but the rush of sting across her cheek coming fast. 

 

Nico’s hand is gone before it came, and Maki feels her cheek. It’s hot, it burns, she deserves it. Nico looks at her like she did three years ago before she grabbed Maki’s face, before she kissed her on the mouth. When Maki drags her tongue across her lip at the memory she can taste nothing but copper. 

 

“Fuck you, Maki,” Nico says. 

 

She walks away, slamming the door on her way out. 

 

**_Summer_ **

  
  


**i. apologies**

 

Maki jolts up from her desk at the sound of a loud knock at her door. She looks at the clock.  _ 3 pm.  _ She doesn’t have class today, but she does have three readings due tomorrow, all of which she could be quizzed on. Maki wipes her lip, catches a small bit of drool and yawns. She wonders if ignoring it would work.

 

The knock comes again, and Maki groans. She stands, stretches her arms and legs. Sleep has come in the form of accidental naps lately since at night all of her thoughts go back to Nico. How her hand had stung and how low her voice had gotten. Maki’s been able to play, but studying has been hard. Last semester she’d gotten top marks, but just barely and just barely isn’t good enough. She can’t afford to scrap by; that’s what Daddy would say. 

 

The knock comes again. “Alright, alright,” Maki yawns again. She looks out of the peep hole.  _ Weird.  _ Maki opens it. “Nozomi?” 

 

Nozomi steps forward and places her hands on Maki’s shoulders before pulling her into a tight hug. Maki’s barely gotten to looking at her other than the fish eyed view. When she pulls away, Nozomi looks almost sympathetic. She looks Maki up and down. Maki does the same to her. 

 

Her cheeks are flushed pink, most likely from the summer heat. Maki wonders if she drove here. Probably not. Nico never mentioned her having a car.  _ Wait. _ “What are you doing here?” Maki asks, though she doesn’t mean to be so plain. The sleep is still in her voice, her words come out slow and gravely. 

 

“I thought we should talk. And I knew you’d be home.”

 

“How did you know my schedule?” Maki asks, already walking behind her to close the door. 

 

“Magic.” She wiggled her fingers. 

 

_ Dammit Rin _ . She’ll have to talk to her about that, not that Rin would listen, or would have denied Nozomi in the first place, but still - on principle. “Do you want anything?” Maki asks, even though she doesn’t have much in way of groceries. 

 

“Tea?”

 

“I’ll brew some.” Maki walks away without waiting for a response. She can use the reprieve to think of what she’s going to say. She gets out the kettle once she’s alone. “Crap,” she mutters. This is about Nico. It has to be, doesn’t it? All this time, and Nozomi has never just come here out of the blue. How did she even get Maki’s address? Nico, probably. She might have looked at her contact information. It wouldn't surprise Maki.

 

Maki breathes, her hands busy and mind racing. How much does Nozomi even know? Of course, the kiss, there is that; but everyone in μ's knows about that. Word of mouth. There is the recent slap and tension all together. Maki doesn’t know how to address that. She begins to pace until she hears the shrill of the kettle. 

 

It’s only Nozomi. Her friend, albeit one she hasn’t really spoken to in a while. 

 

Maki brings two cups of tea out, places them on the table by the couch. 

 

“You learned how to brew?” Nozomi asks. She grins, coy - teasing. Maki begins to fiddle with the ends of her hair. 

 

“Tea and coffee,” Maki says. “Not much else.” Nozomi gives a laugh that’s more of a hum, but Maki can hear the humour in it. Maki grabs her tea and blows on it. “So…?”

 

“Nicocchi.” Of course. “I’m managing her now,” Nozomi says, she looks into her cup but doesn’t sip, only watches her presumable reflection. “She’s been lonely. Even with Elichi and I - when,” Nozomi stops. “Maki,” she looks up and stares, “How much will you tell me?”

 

It’s rare to see Nozomi so serious, but there is nothing playful in the way she talks now, no teasing. “How much do you know?”

 

“So withholding,” Nozomi says, she smiles again and takes a small sip from her tea.

 

“How was she...after I left?”

 

“Sad. Lonely, like I said. She took it hard,” Nozomi says. She isn’t trying to guilt Maki, but Maki feels a pang deep her in chest. “We all took it hard.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Nozomi tuts her tongue and shakes her head. “You left without a trace. No real contact, no real status on how you were doing. We were all worried. And then one day you just came back into town. It hurt.” She runs her finger around the lid of the mug before tapping it twice. 

 

“Are you mad?”

 

“Me? No. You had your reasons, I like to think, but,” she chews the inside of her lip to think. “Nicocchi waited for a phone call every day. When she finally got one and found out you were back,” Nozomi grins, “I wish I had gotten a picture of her face.”

 

“She was happy?”

 

“ _ Mad. _ ” Nozomi laughs. “And then happy and then nervous. She woke up Elichi and I just to rant about it before she left.”

 

“She’s still mad,” Maki states, looking down at her mug. She brushes her hair back before playing with a strand, rolling it around her index finger slowly. 

 

“You never said sorry,” Nozomi says with a shrug. “To anyone.” Nozomi stands up and arches her back. 

 

“Sorry for leaving?”

 

“For anything.” She lets out a small breath. “I should get going now, though.”

 

“Right,” Maki says. She walks Nozomi towards the door. “Nozomi?” she says just as her hand touches the doorknob.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Sorry,” Maki says. She ducks her head down, moves a piece of hair behind her ear. 

 

Nozomi smiles, her eyes closed. “I know.” 

 

**ii. smiling and running (away and towards)**

 

Maki’s running and there is no breeze but wind hits her face from the speed. Her heart pounds fast, hurts. She’s getting out of shape. She’s only been sprinting for five minutes with Rin and already her breath is lessening out. “Wait, wait--” she hunches over and places her hands on her knees. “Just a second.” Maki brings her water bottle to her lips. 

 

Rin gives her typical cat-like grin.. “Tired already, nya?” she chuckles. “We can walk.”

 

“You do this every day?” Maki asks, looking up to see Rin stretching. She can only see sweat if she looks really closely, and even that is most likely just a result of the heat despite it still being early morning. For the most part Rin looks calm, her breaths are still even, eyes still shining. Maki doesn’t know why she thought it would be a good idea to join Rin on her morning run when she hasn’t done any serious exercise in the past year or so. 

 

“Of course, I love running, nya!” She brings one hand over her shoulder to stretch her back muscles, then brings it back around to scratch her head. 

 

“How?” Maki asks, standing up straight. She beings to walk with Rin. It’s a brisk walk, so Maki still has to lift her feet from the ground with each step, needs to be aware of dragging. 

 

“Gives me time to think, or not think. There is the wind and the sound of your heart pounding up through your ears, and that’s it. It really helps with things like stress!” Rin pauses to chew the inside of her cheek. “That’s why I invited you. You’ve been...off lately.”

 

Maki twirls a piece of hair in her hand. Her cheeks begin to burn. If Rin of all people has noticed something...Not that Rin is transparent by any means, but to address it in this way. “Just busy, I guess.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“Hey, Rin?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Maki thinks back to her conversation with Nozomi. “When I left, I--well, “ she stops. How to word this? “I never called.” Probably not like that.

 

Rin looks down at her feet. Her mouth pinches together to form a tight line, but then she looks up and smiles again. “But we still talked. When I called, remember? “

 

“That was only a few times.” Maki tugs at the hair in her hand. “I just, did it hurt?”

 

“Did what hurt?” she asks, but there is something in her eyes, a sudden dullness that Maki can just barely make out. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Maki says. She looks away so that she can’t see Rin’s face, her own cheeks tinted a bright red. Maki wonders if she’ll have to do this with everyone. 

 

“We were just worried. Sad,” Rin adds on. “I thought that you wanted to forget everything because of the way you ran.”

 

“I didn’t, I just,”  _ alienated my friends to try and move on.  _ Maki could hit herself. “I missed everyone,” she says, “it’s why I came back, I think.” She’s not good with this talking about feelings thing, it makes her skin hot, her throat constricts. She twirls another strand of hair. 

 

“And Nico?” Rin asks. She looks straight ahead, says the name as casually as possible.

 

If Rin thought Maki wanted to forget, then what  _ does  _ Nico think happened. Nico kissed her mouth before she left, and Maki can still feel the tingle of it on her lips sometimes. A phantom touch. But right after, Maki vanished. She never really knew what the kiss meant. Was it was just a ploy to get Maki to stay? Did she know how Maki felt; but no. Nico wouldn’t be that manipulative.

 

Maybe maybe  _ maybe;  _ Nico loved her back. 

 

Maki never said the words, neither did Nico - never explicitly. Not in a romantic sense. 

 

“Nico,” Maki says, the  _ C _ coming out crisp, with precision, like she thought about the name before letting it leave her mouth. “I don’t know.”

 

“You’re in love with her, nya?” Rin looks up, her eyes wide and confused. So direct. 

 

She moves onto a new piece of hair to twirl. “Yes.” She looks at Rin. “She’s mad.” The  _ at me _ goes unsaid. Maki isn’t even sure why she said it, she’s never been one to ask for relationship advice. She isn’t asking, but it feels like something she needs to say out loud. 

 

Rin doesn’t respond, only gives a sad look before picking up speed. “Hey,” she says a few minutes later, “remember when we used to exercise, but we had to smile the entire time?”

 

Maki gives a dry laugh without meaning to. She remembers Eli glaring when the smile dropped, Nico always trying to smile the widest but running out of stamina so fast. “Yeah. Pushups while looking up,” she grins, a vaseline smile with sparkling teeth. 

 

“Let’s do it.” Rin begins to jog in place, her knees go high with each bounce, she smiles. “And think about only the wind and heat and keeping up the smile, nya?”

 

“Why?”

 

Rin shrugs. “Come on, all the way up two blocks.”

 

Maki sets her eyes down. “You’re on.” She runs, and after a minute her mouth aches from keeping her lips up. She feels a sharp burn in her calves, a tight knot in her belly. But for that minute her mind is so blissfully blank. Nothing but the run, the struggle of keeping everything up, the thud of her heart beating against her skin. She feels sweat roll down her temple and catch at her lip. She licks her lips and continues to run.

 

Rin beats her by a quarter of a block. She laughs and huffs out breaths of air while watching Maki. Maki keeps her lips tilted, thinks about the non existent repercussions of losing it. How she’s only doing this for herself, how it affects nobody else. As soon as she reaches Rin her mouth falls open. She pants, it feels good; as if anxiety if leaving her body.

 

“Now, think about what you want to do,” Rin says.

 

Maki actually can. Her head is clear until it’s not; but she can make a decision for what to do next. They walk again only a little slower than before. “Rin?”

 

She looks at Maki, her eyes golden and glittering. “Yeah?”

 

“Thanks.” 

 

Rin bumps into her before giving her a tight squeeze on the shoulders. Her hands are sweaty, but then again; Maki’s entire body is sweaty. “Anytime, nya. Wanna go again?”

 

“Two block break?” 

 

Rin nods. 

 

**iii. underneath skin and sheets**

 

Maki knocks on the door once, only once, then she brings her hand up to her hair. Her stomach is in knots, and she’s been waiting outside of the door for five minutes. It’s been weeks since she talked to Nico, almost two months, actually. She should have come sooner, but a part of her thought that maybe Nico would text randomly. Something.

 

Eli answers the door, she smiles but it’s wary at first. “Maki?” her lips turn up fuller, face brightens as she adjust to who’s in front of her. “How are you?” she asks instead of what are you doing here; which is probably what she actually wants to asks. 

 

Maki swallows. “Good. Is Nico here?”

 

Eli nods and gives a faint hum before calling out her name. A minute later Nico is there, Eli stays by her side. 

 

“What do you want?” she asks. Maki looks her up and down. She’s in a pink dress, nice but not formal. Her hair is tied up sloppily.

 

“Did you just get home?”

 

Nico leans against the door. “Like ten minutes ago.” Nico looks at Eli and nods. 

 

“I’ll see you around, Maki,” Eli says.

 

Nico edges out and closes the door. “Why are you here? You could have sent a text warning, or something,” she grumbles. 

 

Maki breathes out through her nose. It’s Nico and Nico doesn’t make things easy. “I wanted to say sorry, about what I said. That was...wrong,” her words sound forced, even though she does mean them. She doesn’t know how to convey that she actually is sorry, how to put that emotion into her voice. 

 

“How’s your cheek?” Nico asks. Maki deserves that.

 

She touches the skin that was slapped by Nico. One day Honoka should thank her for holding Nico back all those years ago. “It bruised.” Not noticeably, but Maki could feel it every time she opened her mouth for two days. 

 

Nico hums. “Is that all you wanted to say?”

 

She’s fishing. “No,” Maki says through nearly gritted teeth. She’ll try, for Nico she’ll try. “I’m sorry,” she starts, hating how flat it already sounds, “for not contacting you. For not calling after I left.”

 

“For leaving?”

 

“I had to,” Maki says, though the words are weak on her tongue. “It was a professional--”

 

“I’m going inside,” Nico says, her fist are balled up. 

 

“Why won’t you just  _ hear me out _ ,” Maki says. “Why does everything have to be all or nothing with you. I’m trying to do the right thing, and you aren’t even  _ listening, _ ” her voice nears yelling but isn’t quite there. 

 

Nico looks at the ground and then up, her eyes waver; Maki never thought red could be so icy. “You made me a promise, and then moved away and didn’t say a  _ word  _ to me for over two years, Maki! How would you respond to that? All of that time I thought you just wanted to forget, and then,” she presses a hand against her face, and breathes. 

 

“How can you blame me for a promise I made _ when I was 15?” _ She wanted to apologize, but of course!  _ Of course!  _ Nico had to make it nearly impossible. 

 

“And how can you be so dense? All that time, and you still haven’t even changed. You’re still scared and still running. And I- I don’t have time for this anymore.” 

 

She grabs the door but before she can turn the knob, Maki finds her hand on Nico’s wrist. Maki’s closer than she realized, a foot apart in front of the door. The thought that Nozomi and Eli can hear them flits through her mind briefly, but she finds that for once she doesn’t care much. “I’ve changed,” Maki says, her voice is low. She can feel texture in it, gravel and grit. 

 

Nico looks at Maki’s mouth, traces a straight line up to her eyes. She sets her jaw. “Prove it.”

 

And Maki doesn’t know what she’s proving, but she kisses Nico. All impulse and emotion and power; their teeth clash, foreheads knock. It’s messy, but Nico fist her hands in Maki’s hair and pulls her closer. Maki’s hands go to Nico’s waist, her palms splaying against the fabric of her dress. 

 

Nico’s lips are glossy, she taste the faint remnants of artificial cherry, feels the stickiness against her own lips, and her tongue touch her teeth, and the vibration of Nico humming against her mouth. Nico bites down on her lip. Hard. Maki feels the abrupt pain, almost like pressing against something too sharp, but it’s mixed with the sweetness of Nico’s breath, the heat of her body. 

 

Maki moans, quiet and muffled against Nico. When her mouth is opened she feels Nico’s tongue again, embraces her tighter. Nico flicks up into her mouth, teases and occasionally nips but never hard like the first bite. It’s all Maki can do to just follow the curve of her mouth, anticipate what she’ll do next, not get completely lost in between her lips. 

 

She lowers her hand so that it touches the bare skin of Nico’s thigh. What if she went up higher, what would Nico feel like? Nico breaks from her slowly, so that Maki can feel the way their lips unstick from each other, reluctantly; her own lip bounces when Nico is not touching her anymore. 

 

“Maki?” she murmurs, so close that their lips meet again for less than a second.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Take me to your place.”

 

“You sure?” 

 

Nico leans in and kisses her, lingering on her bottom lip. She sucks, almost as if trying to sooth the ache from biting down so hard. “Don’t ask me that.” She opens the door. “I’m going out,” is all she yells into the apartment before running in fast and coming out with a wallet and phone. “Let’s go.” 

 

Maki looks at her lips again. They’re dark pink, darker than before, more prominent. She nods and walks out towards the car. 

 

They don’t talk on the drive. Maki prefers the comfortable silence over tense conversation, hones in on how the radio buzzes but isn’t actually loud enough to be heard. She thinks of smiling and running, tries to think of nothing else. Not the way her pulse is throbbing, or the heat below her waist or the way Nico occasionally glances up at her like an animal ready to pounce. 

 

She gets them to her apartment in eight minutes. Nico gets to the door before her, waiting with her hands fidgeting. Maki doesn’t actually know what will happen, but it feels dangerous. She thinks it’s wrong, but then she sees Nico and wonders how it could be? Maybe it’s neither, maybe it’s just temptation, which for some reason, always seems bad. But what’s so bad about indulgence?

 

Maki runs a hand through her hair and wraps a strand around her index finger as she undoes the lock. 

 

“You want anything?” she asks when they enter. She goes over towards the piano, the cover is up. She must have forgot to close it last time. She’s been exhausted so it doesn’t surprise her. 

 

“No,” Nico says. She follows. 

 

Maki looks down at the keys, no dust but when she inspects she can see finger prints. She places middle C a few times, it rings loud in the room. It’s odd how the silence is usually just silence, but when Nico is around it’s void. Everything is amplified, even the quiet. She plays middle C again up to D sharp, back to - Nico grabs her wrist.

 

“I don’t want to hear you play,” she says. Nico looks at Maki, takes her hand and sticks it just under the hem of her dress. Maki’s hand drifts over the skin of her thighs as it’s dragger higher, higher, higher -  _ there _ . Damp fabric, possibly cotton. Maki doesn’t really care because she can feel Nico; Nico  _ wants _ her. Maybe only physically, but she’s hot pressed against Maki’s hand. Nico gasps, her mouth opening only a little. Maki can see her cherry pink tongue and white teeth.

 

Maki swallows in, and Nico’s eyes follow the bob of her throat.

 

Slowly, Maki drags her fingers across Nico. Strokes from bottom to top. Nico whimpers but doesn’t look away. 

 

“Tell me what you want,” Maki says. Part of her wants to look away, the intensity, it’s like looking into the sun. She remembers being told that staring too long could cause blindness. 

 

Nico kisses her, lips parted. She presses Maki against the piano, there are clutters of keys, sounds; not music. Harsh and loud within the silence of the room. Maki moves forward and closes the cover. Her mouth opens against Nico’s opened mouth. “Tell me,” she says again, harder this time.

 

Nico moves her lips to Maki’s ear. “Just  _ touch _ me,” she says and purposefully grinds down on Maki’s hand. Maki falls forward, leans her head against Nico’s shoulder and cups just to feel Nico buck against her again. 

 

Nico moves her hand through Maki’s hair, tugs tight so that she’s forced to look up and kisses her. When they meet it’s fire, similar to the kiss against the door. Maki’s nose slides against Nico’s, her tongue comes out to taste the inside of Nico’s mouth. Nico bites and sucks and licks; Maki feels dizzy. 

 

She turns them around so that Nico’s resting on the piano, brings two fingers underneath the hem of Nico’s underwear and feels the slick warmth against her skin. Again; sun. Nico groans and pulls her closer. 

 

Her fingers scramble against Maki’s shirt, lifting it above her sloppily and yanking it up and over Maki’s head. Her hair pulls with the cloth of the shirt, but then Nico is brushing it down, grabbing Maki’s face, anything she can. She kisses Maki’s mouth, the corner, her cheek, her jaw. 

 

Maki continues the slow drawl of her fingers, relishing in every thrust of hips, every bit of proof that Nico wants her. 

 

Nico drags her hand down to grab Maki’s breast, squeezes her nipple through the bra. “More,” she says before pressing down harder. 

 

Maki tears her underwear down in reaction, like her body follows Nico’s words before her mind. Her mind is a swirl of thoughts, all mixed, all Nico. She thinks about her heart, the way it’s beating; Nico against her hand soaked through, Nico and the question of love. Does Nico love her? 

 

Maki presses two fingers into her, slow if only to hear the way Nico drags out her whimper. She brings her other hand up and draws light circles against her clit. Nico’s eyes slam shut and she falls forward. She kisses Maki’s shoulder, presses her lips to it hard and bites down. Maki can feel the way her teeth form crescent marks into her skin, she craves it. The idea of her leaving a mark on Maki’s body causes Maki to cry out. She shifts her legs together, aware of her shorts, her underwear, the bra that’s now barely covering her chest. 

 

“Harder,” Nico murmurs, pushing her own hips up. 

 

Maki does as told, three fingers now. She wants to feel Nico closing up around her completely, see how much she can take in. Maki kisses her, and Nico’s mouth is opened but all her reactions are delayed. Her hands go to Maki’s hair again, then down, roam over her breast. She’s feeling to feel.

 

It’s overwhelming. Maki curls her fingers inside, and Nico cries out. 

 

“Please,” she says, “ _ just like that.” _

 

Maki slams into her. Pushing her fingers in and basking in sticky heat. She savors every moment, allows herself to linger on the sensation, on feverish need and lapses in recklessness.

 

“Nico?” she asks. Maki’s forehead rests on hers, she can see Nico’s eyes slowly open, see the way her teeth sink deep into her own lip. “I--” she closes her eyes and gasp.

 

Nico rocks harder against her hand, clutches to her shoulders. She  _ screams _ , and heat rushes over Maki’s fingers, coating them completely. 

 

She rolls her fingers slowly as Nico rides out her orgasm. The way Nico spasms and cries out; stunning. Maki watches carefully. She clings to Maki like she’s about to fall, out of trust. It’s an illusion Maki allows herself to think about for just a moment. 

 

When Nico recovers, she stares at Maki plainly. Her pupils are still blown, eyes still dark. “Where is your bedroom?” she asks. 

 

Maki never realized that she’s never taken Nico there. Not that she had reason to, but Nico’s been over enough times. Maki just assumed she knew every facet of the apartment considering its fairly small size.

 

Maki looks down to see Nico shifting her legs, watches closely as her pink underwear fall completely to the ground. They’re dark from arousal. Maki pulls her fingers away and drags down Nico’s thighs. Wet. 

 

She leads Nico to the bedroom, fast, the sensation between her legs getting more and more uncomfortable. She’s never been this affected by anyone, never felt this level of complete need. When they enter Nico closes the door behind her, leans on it. She stares Maki up and down with her lip tucked in between her teeth. Nico reaches behind and removes her hair tie.

 

Maki watches as black hair tumbles down to her shoulders, smooth and sleek.

 

“My dress,” she says and turns. Maki notes the zipper, her hands begin to shake as she walks over. 

 

Maki brushes her fingers against Nico’s shoulders, notes how the skin is still warm. Her own fingers are still wet, and she sees Nico shiver at the touch. She smells like vanilla, Maki didn’t notice that before. It’s too sweet to be perfume. She leans into the crook of Nico’s neck, sniffs, places a small kiss there. All there is to hear is the gentle sound of Nico’s lips parting. 

 

Maki touches the zipper and drags it down, slowly. She thinks of only that for a moment, tries to clear her head but can’t when Nico is so close. Her hands won’t steady, she doesn’t know if it’s nerves or something else. 

 

When the zipper is done Nico shimmies out of it so that it pools to the floor. Her bra is white, simple; Maki looks down to wear she is naked, and Nico turns. For some reason Maki is surprised by everything, sudden. Nico is in front of her mostly naked, Nico is looking at her with such serenity, Nico is  _ here.  _

 

Maki runs her thumb over Nico’s lip, up her nose and jaw. Her body is hot and aches, but she wants everything to last. Looking at Nico now feels like the first of everything, like outside there is nothing. In this small space they could create a world; Maki would do that for Nico is she asked.

 

Nico kisses her, nothing elaborate but Maki trembles. 

 

“Take off your clothes,” Nico says. She pulls away and undoes her bra, then waits. 

 

Maki blushes, but works the button on her shorts. For the first time in a while she’s self conscious. There is something about the way Nico is watching her, how she’s not really showing emotion but her eyes are still so dark and attentive. Maki slides her shorts off, then her underwear - light blue boyshorts she just threw on this morning after her shower. When she went to Nico she didn’t think anything like this would end up happening. 

 

Nico stares between her legs, and Maki’s suddenly aware of how wet she is, how Nico can tell by the darkness of curls and slickness on her thighs. She swallows in. She almost wishes Nico would speak, say anything, even if it’s something annoying. 

 

Though the scrutinization - if that is the right word - sends a thrill down her body.  She’s uncertain, maybe Nico is too. But when Maki undoes her bra, Nico is kissing her again and walking her backward. She falls on the bed, and Nico climbs on top. She straddles Maki’s thigh, wet and warm; Maki groans out, damp against the hollow of Nico’s mouth. 

 

And then she bucks. Nico’s finger comes up between her thighs, runs along her entrance. She trails slowly up the length of Maki, gauging her reaction. Nico leans down and bites her neck, Maki can feel the teeth dig into her one by one. Nico’s other hand slides of her body, nails tickling her side before circling her nipple. The dichotomy of the two actions combined with Nico’s fingers idly moving through her is enough for Maki to twine her hand in Nico’s hair and pull her closer. 

 

Nico sucks the area she bit, forces the blood to rush up to the surface, then she kisses up to Maki’s mouth. Just as their lips meet she sinks two fingers inside. Maki’s mouth opens but whatever noise that was going to come out is muffled by Nico’s tongue. She keeps a slow pace with her hand, palm brushing against her clit. 

 

Maki can feel her against her thigh with each thrust. When she opens her eyes she sees that Nico’s are closed, that every single movement is purposeful. She pinches Maki’s nipple, bites at her lip and begins to thrust harder, deeper and faster. 

 

Nico’s body is shaking against her, her hip moves against her hand and she  _ curls.  _ Maki begins to lift, her stomach coils she can feel something coming deep inside of her, and then Nico is slowing down as if she sensed it too. 

 

She opens her eyes and kisses Maki again, slowly. 

 

“Nico,” Maki says,  _ begs.  _ She brings her hips up to match the hand inside of her. 

 

“Maki,” she stops completely. “Do you love me?” she pulls out and sinks back in; so slow and smooth Maki can barely feel the movement. 

 

Maki looks at her, runs her hands down to Nico’s back and then over her arms. “Yes,” she says.

 

“Say it.” Her eyes are watery but hard. “I want you to say it.”

 

Maki can feel those words in her throat, bubbling up she says,“I love you,” and can feel them leave; her entire body repeats the statement, her heart thrums. She  _ loves _ Nico so fully that it hurts.

 

Nico plunges, her entire body rocking against Maki’s. Her head hangs over the crook of Maki’s shoulder, buried. Maki can’t see her, but she can hear Nico’s voice low in her ear.  _ “I love you, too.” _

 

When Maki comes she clutches onto Nico, her hands digging into her shoulders. She feels Nico clashing against her, her movements more feverish, hips bucking hard against her thigh. She slams into Maki with no abandon, giving but taking everything. It’s good _. Nico is good.  _

 

_ “So much _ ,” Maki murmurs, or screams. She can’t tell, but she’s talking about love and how her heart is too full of Nico and how it hurts and how spectacular it is. 

 

Nico collapses against her, still pushing in and out idly, but only to draw Maki out. Maki closes her eyes; revels in the feeling of Nico’s hair and cheek against her chest. 

 

“Wow,” Nico says after a moment. She looks up and sighs.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Nico rolls off, and immediately covers her feet with blankets. It’s cute, and Maki chuckles. “My feet get cold,” she says defensively. “Your place is cold.”

 

“I keep it at the best temperature for the piano,” she says.

 

Nico props herself up on her elbow just so that she can glower at Maki. “Seriously?”

 

“How is 22 degrees cold?”

 

“It’s not room temperature.”

 

“Actually it is,” Maki says. Nico plops back down and crosses her arms. “You probably just have bad circulation.”

 

“What?”

 

Maki rolls her eyes. “Do you remember anything from basic biology?” she asks.

 

“Why would I need to remember that useless crap?”

 

Maki pinches the bridge of her nose before sitting up and grabbing Nico’s wrist. She startles a little, but allows it. “Blood flow, though in this case it would be your feet.” Maki traces the line of her vein to her hand. 

 

Nico leans down and bites Maki’s hand, not hard, though Maki jumps. She laughs a little and moves her mouth up to Maki’s fingers, sucks. Maki feels a new pulse of arousal run through her. “Blood flow, huh? Like how red your cheeks are?”

 

Maki scrambles her hands up to cover her face, noting the smile on Nico’s lips. She lays back down and breathes in. Butterflies. She feels them flutter when she looks at Nico and her curved mouth. She basks in brief nostalgia. 

 

“That label is taking me on,” Nico says after a few minutes. “That’s what I was getting home from. I just found out today.”

 

“That’s great,” Maki says. Her chest is warm and her lips tilt up; she is happy. But at the same time, she thinks about the time they played together. The way they worked, what they created. 

 

“Everything is starting,” Nico says, “I little later than I thought, maybe, but - this is big.” She turns to look at Maki. Her face is apprehensive, scared.

 

Maki kisses her. 

 

Nico deepens it and things start again.

 

After, they sleep; but Maki wakes up to the sound of a creak in the bed and footsteps. She hears her door open and close. 

 

Nico is gone in the morning.

 

**_Autumn_ **

 

**i. gay friends give gay advice**

 

It’s been weeks and Maki’s gotten no form of contact, nothing since she just left in the middle of the night. Her underwear are still at Maki’s apartment. She had to wash them and has kept them on top of her dryer. It’s an excuse, she figures, to go over. But Maki won’t be the one to break, not this time. Not after everything. 

 

Now she’s mad. The past few weeks it’s been hard to focus on anything but Nico and how awful she is and how  _ good _ she is. Maki runs her hands through her hair. 

 

“You okay?” Rin asks. They’re in the library in some lame attempt to study. Rin’s been zoning out, Maki hasn’t been much better. “You’ve been really distracted lately.” Rin rolls her pencil along the desk, while chewing her lip. 

 

How many times is Rin going to have to ask this, Maki wonders. And then, when will she actually be okay, when will she be able to think about something other than Nico? She winds her fingers in her hair; leans down close with her free hand cupped over her mouth. Normally she’d just leave it but having nobody to talk with has been harder than she thought. “Nico and I, we--” she widens her eyes, tries to make a signal out of it so she doesn’t actually have to say the words. 

 

“What?” Rin asks. 

 

Maki swallows. “Sex.”

 

“What? No way!” Rin practically yells. A nearby woman shushes them, and Maki lets her face fall down into her hands. “Sorry,” Rin says looking up. “When?” she ‘whispers’, still loud but at least she’s not shouting. 

 

“Weeks ago. She left and hasn’t said anything.”

 

Rin purses her lips. “Was it that bad, nya? Did you confess your love?”

 

Maki’s cheeks burn. “No and yes, kind of; well. I mean, I guess we both...confessed. But it wasn’t bad. It was,” she stops the hand in her hair, tries to think of a word. She sighs. 

 

“Oh. So it was good, then?” Rin bites her lip. “Was it bad for her?”

 

_ Ugh.  _ “No!” Maki hisses defensively. “I don’t think so. I don’t think that was the problem at all, but she’s being so difficult with everything. I said I was sorry - but in typical Nico fashion, she has to be over dramatic, and well,  _ her. _ ” She growls and pushes her hair back. “I don’t get why she’s always so damn frustrating!”

 

“She probably thinks the same about you, after all you’re not that different,” Rin says it casually with a small shrug. “Stubborn...”

 

“I’m not stubborn.”

 

“You refuse to be the one to call back, that sounds pretty stubborn.” Her lips curve into a subtle smile. She sticks her pencil out so that it’s facing Maki. “The two of you are like weird puzzle pieces, nya?” she says it like it’s a question, and it’s odd to see her almost lecturing Maki, trying to get her to follow the conversation. “It doesn’t seem like it should fit, maybe because the colors are off - but it does, and when everything is together there is a big picture. It makes sense...” Her eyes go wide into the air as if holding up a frame. 

 

“That was weirdly poetic,” Maki says with a short laugh. 

 

Rin flashes her teeth. “Try to talk to her,” she says. “If both of you love each other, then it’s bound to work out, right?”

 

Maki sighs, and looks at the strand of hair rolled around her finger. “Nothing is bound or easy with Nico.”

 

**ii. sulking on a park bench**

 

Maki’s alone in the park. There is a chill in the air, and she watches as the leaves fall to the ground. Colors of brown and orange and yellow; fall is truly ugly, she thinks. Her ears are cold. She forgot to put on a hat. She doesn’t even know why she’s alone in a park. She went here with Nico once though. They talked and then went to her place and she played; Nico left.

 

Maki looks at the leaves and thinks about her piano. What would fall sound like? She thinks it would be uncomfortable, slow as opposed to the swiftness of summer. Where is the joy in fall, natural joy; not artificial seasonal things. Leaves fall and die, the heat goes away. Though the days and nights are of equal timing, not that Maki tracks time anymore. She doesn’t have a real sleeping schedule. Often she finds herself out of bed at 4 am trying to play herself to sleep.

 

Sometimes it works and she wakes with her head atop keys, drool edging from her lips. Other nights she plays until she has to be somewhere. Her studies have been going, she forces herself to. It takes a long time, though. Her heart isn’t in it. 

 

Lately it seems like the only things she thinks about are music and Nico, Nico and music. She plays or sometimes (when she can muster past the embarrassment of it) she sticks her hand under the waistband of her pants and allows herself to pretend.

 

It sounds depressing. It is depressing. 

 

Maki doesn’t know how things got like this; when she’ll recover from this state of lows. She never even dated Nico, only loved her - left her; Nico left too, she tells herself when the guilt builds. Nico left too.

 

Maki gets her phone out. No text, not even from Rin. She should contact the other girls sometime, it’s been too long. Maybe when she’s in a better state, when she doesn’t have bags under her eyes and her voice doesn’t sound permanently groggy. She glances through her contacts and hovers over Nico’s name. 

 

Maki: Hey

 

The text bubble comes up almost immediately. Maki lets herself imagine that Nico was looking at her name as well. 

 

Nico: Hey

 

Maki: I have your underwear

 

Maki presses send and then lets her head fall forward. Why did she say that. Out of all the things she could have said after not speaking to Nico; that was probably the worse. She didn’t address the elephant in the room, she addressed a blue whale. 

 

Nico: Oh. 

 

Nico: Keep them

 

Maki’s cheeks color. 

 

Nico: I mean, I don’t care what you do with them.

 

Maki: Okay.

 

Nico: Sorry I haven’t said anything

 

Nico: I’ve been busy

 

Maki clutches her phone tight in her fingers. She could yell, scream; maybe she should. That might help. 

 

Maki: Right.

 

Nico doesn’t text back, and Maki almost throws her phone. Why does she have to be completely in love with one of the most frustrating people on this planet? Not that she chose to fall in love with Nico Yazawa, because she definitely didn’t. But still. 

 

She stands up from the bench. She still doesn’t know what she’s doing here anyways, besides wasting time thinking about Nico, and she can do that from the own comforts of her home. She can sulk there too, and stare blankly out the window and wait for calls and text that will never come. 

 

**iii. gay friends give gay advice pt. 2**

 

Maki hears the knock on the door and straightens herself out. She had to put concealer under her eyes the bags were getting so bad. She’s going crazy, she thinks. Nico is literally driving her insane. Of course in the past she’s had sleepless nights, but never to this extent. There are so many questions, so many things she wants. Decisions she doesn’t know if she can make. 

 

She opens the door and sees Nozomi. She’s wrapped up tightly, arms nearly crushing her. “Maki,” Nozomi says, serene and into her ear. It’s comforting, but also Maki can’t breath so she pulls away. She gives Nozomi a tight smile. “You’re tired.”

 

“I made tea,” Maki says, closing the door and walking forward. She spins a ringlet of hair around her index finger and chews the inside of her cheek. Nozomi sits down on the couch, and Maki follows. “How are things?” Maki asks.

 

“Good. The label has been really hard on the both of us,” Nozomi says, laughing. “Managing a predicted up-and-coming super idol is a lot, not that I didn’t expect it to be. We’ve gotten Elichi on board for choreography; something about members of μ's on this project makes it more appealing to them, I think.” She shrugs, then. “Still, it’s mostly Nico.”

 

“No. I’m sure you’re doing a lot.” Maki pours tea into her cup, takes a small tip. It runs hot and smooth down her throat. “But...they see a good future for Nico?”

 

“I can’t tell you all of the details; but yes. She’s been busy, tired.” Nozomi sighs. “Lonely.”

 

Maki blushes. “I - I don’t know what to do.”

 

“She told me. With a little persuasion,” her eyes twinkle, her hands flex, “I got it out. You know, she’s scared.” 

 

“Mmm,” Maki hums and sips her tea again. 

 

“I wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t think it--” Nozomi pauses, she seems conflicted. She chews the inside of her lip, and drums her fingers across her thigh. “I sometimes think that the two of you need each other, almost. Both of you are so stubborn,” she quirks one brow and gives Maki a dangerous look. 

 

Maki stalls at that word... _ stubborn _ . “She did fine without me for two years.”

 

“How would you know?” Nozomi asks, and though her words are serious there is a teasing smile on her lips. “How did you do without her?”

 

“I-” Maki’s mouth drops into a thin line.

 

Nozomi  _ tsks _ three times, shaking her head as she pours her tea. 

 

“What do you think?” Maki asks. 

 

Nozomi blows on her tea before taking a gentle sip, Maki can see how it flows down her throat as she swallows. “The two of you love each other. What is there to think?” She sips again, her green eyes glimmering even in the depressing, dimness of Maki’s apartment. She grins, open-mouthed. Maki can see the white lines of her teeth just barely. 

 

“It isn’t that easy,” Maki mutters. “Nico isn’t easy.”

 

“I know. Neither are you,” she chuckles. 

 

“I wish we were easy,” Maki sighs. Her ears tinge pink when she realizes how much she’s opening up. So these are the effects of extreme sleep deprivation. She hasn’t been able to drive the past week for fear of falling asleep; even got kicked out of class one day during a lecture. It’s amazing she hasn’t fallen below, though the current low A’s are glaring. 

 

Nozomi faces her and grinds down her teeth, the smile still there but flattening. “Do you? Want easy, I mean.”

 

Maki thinks about it. How being with Nico is a fight, not when they’re together (besides the occasional butting of heads) but how she has to work for it. As a person she has to change, she has to be more open sometimes, she has to be better. Getting to Nico is like climbing a mountain without a safety belt. She could fall at any moment, but there is so much thrill in it. And what’s at the top is  _ so  _ worth it. 

 

Easy would be settling. Maybe easy would have be staying back over there and continuing the lame attempts at forgetting Nico, but always wondering what they could be. 

 

Nozomi sets her hand on Maki’s thigh and squeezes. “So?”

 

“No. I don’t want easy, I just - “ she sighs. “I don’t know what to do.”

 

“You should sleep,” Nozomi says. “I can see the concealer.” She lifts her thumb and wipes under Maki’s eye. “But - I have to go. Meeting.”

 

Maki looks up. She doesn’t want to be left alone, she realizes. She doesn’t want to think alone.

 

“I’ll talk to her,” Nozomi says, though Maki’s sure she already has. 

 

“Will it work?” Maki asks as she stands.

 

Nozomi looks over, pulls a card from her cardigan. Weird. It’s a naked woman in between a man, a bird, a bull and a lion. “The world, last of major arcana,” she says. She grins to herself and leaves. 

 

Maki has no clue what the hell that means. She doesn’t bother locking the door behind Nozomi, instead collapsing on the couch, her hair sprawled over the pillows. Decisions, decisions; but now she thinks she’ll sleep. For just a minute or two or until the thought of Nico wakes her up.

 

**iv. small talk in a late night cafe pt.4**

 

Maki walks to the cafe this time. It probably isn’t smart, but she wants to feel the breeze against her skin. Crisp autumn wind, dark nights. She follows the moon with her eyes. There is nothing spectacular about it. It’s only a shining sliver against billowing black. She supposes it’s pretty, though. The stars are pretty.

 

She looks at the dots and connects them. Finds big dipper, orion, she can’t find any others. Her eyes and body are tired. 

 

She had to call Nico twice, and Nico finally answered and said that they should meet at the cafe. In public, somewhere familiar. 

 

Maki still doesn’t know what to say. That she wants to try, maybe? Try what, she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know much of anything for the first time in a while. The future is a dark lit tunnel that might have light at the end.

 

She sees the blue, broken neon light of the cafe.  _ Open.  _ Through the glass Nico waits, Maki wonders how she got there first. She must have taken her time on the walk. She enters the cafe, the bell on the door rings, a man looks up and gives a weary smile behind the register. 

 

She sits in front of Nico. 

 

Her hair is down and falls against her face and she looks exhausted. Has she been sleeping, is Maki’s first thought. “Hi,” she says, gentle.

 

Nico gives her a faint smile. “Hey. I’m - sorry about not,” she stops and purses her lips. “You know.” She sighs. “I really have been busy. Running around a lot, that sort of thing.” Her eyes raise to meet Maki’s. “How have you been?”

 

Maki fiddles with her hair. She supposes that the truth would be smart, to say fine would be a blatant lie. But if she comes across as desperate or needy or,  _ ugh;  _ she doesn’t know. “Tired,” she says. “I’ve been busy too.”

 

“School?”

 

“Among other things.”

 

Nico drums her fingers along the table. She has a mug in front of her, though it probably isn’t coffee. Hot chocolate, would be Maki’s guess. She brings it to her lips and sips. “About that night,” she starts. Maki’s breath hitches. “It was a mistake,” she says. Her heart thuds once in her chest, Maki feels sick. “Right?” It’s pleading, begging for agreement.

 

Maki swallows in and raises her hand. She looks behind Nico’s shoulder, to the barista. “Could I get something?” she says, “Decaf coffee.”

 

He says the total and nods. 

 

Maki runs a hand through her hair so that the bangs fall further into her face, then she pushes them back behind her ear. Mistake. Nico thinks it was a mistake, or says it was one. 

 

“I don’t,” Maki says clearly. Her lips tremble, though. She looks down at her hands, watches the way they shake lightly and rubs her palms together to feel sweat and heat. How could she think it was a mistake? Maki presses her lips into a flat line. “I don’t think you thought it was one either,” the boldness seeps out in the form of anger. 

 

“Maki…” Nico closes her eyes. “I’m leaving.”

 

The man stops by their table and sets the coffee down. Maki looks at it for a minute, sees her reflection in brown waves. 

 

“Leaving?” she says, still staring into the cup. She picks it up, takes a sip. It scalds her tongue. “Where?” She forces herself to look up, but Nico’s looking at her hands. 

 

“The label has me going to a bunch of different places. Traveling. Nozomi and Eli are coming with me; but I won’t be back here for a while.” She drags her gaze up and smiles, but Maki can see it’s forced. “The great Nico Nii is going to be available everywhere!” she says, it lacks energy. 

 

“You want this?”

 

“Of course,” Nico says. “I always have. I might have stalled a little while, but it’s finally happening for me.” Her lips pull to form something genuine. Maki smiles back, only a little. 

 

“I’m happy for you,” Maki says. 

 

“Thank you.”

 

It’s her chance now, she thinks, to say something. Anything. In her mind she sees the mountain, the ground beneath her. She could fall at any minute. Her hands continue to sweat. “Is that all you want?” Maki asks. She thinks about that night, how nice it felt to be needed, to have Nico cling to her and touch her and be completely there. 

 

“Don’t,” Nico says. Her eyes begin to shimmer. 

 

Maki swallows. “Stay,” she says, and it feels like poison and condemnation. It’s selfish. “Please stay.”

 

A tear runs down Nico’s face, Maki watches it splash onto the table. She stands up. “Maki, I can’t do this.” Nico walks around and pauses as she’s next to Maki. “All those years I waited,” she lets out a wet laugh. “Maki sure has bad timing, huh?” 

 

Maki breathes in deep, and it feels as though too much air has entered her lungs; her chest tightens. Slowly she reaches out for Nico’s hand. “I love you,” she says, it’s barely a whisper but she can hear the small gasp Nico gives.

 

Nico leans in and kisses the corner of Maki’s mouth. “I love you, too,” she says. “But I have to go.”

 

Maki hears the slight click of her heels. She looks at the bills left behind on the table, grabs one and runs her hand over it. A drop hits it, the color darkening underneath her. She wipes her eye with the knuckle of her thumb. 

 

“Miss, you alright?” the barista asks. 

 

She nods. “I’m just tired.”

 

When Maki walks home she looks at the moon again, feels familiarity in it. It isn’t that special, but it still shines; it’s still the brightest thing in the sky at night. She gets home and plays and writes; thinks about suns and moons and stars - what would happen if they fell in love.

 

**v. Maki leaves (again)**

 

A text, a single text that makes Maki pause in the middle of the day.

 

Nozomi: We’re leaving soon. 

 

Nozomi: Two hours….

 

Maki stares at the screen. Why would Nozomi tell her that, why would she -

 

“What’s wrong, nya?” Rin asks. 

 

Maki swallows. “Nico is leaving today.” She chews her lip. “Nozomi just texted me.” Maki turns to face Rin. “I asked her to stay; I did.” She’s had this conversation with Rin, once. One time where she mentioned vague details and that was all. She didn’t really want to discuss it much. Didn’t want to say it out loud and believe it; but now it’s happening, a week later. 

 

Nico is leaving. Nico is going to be far away for who knows how long and maybe she’ll keep in touch, maybe she won’t but she won’t be  _ here;  _ and that unsettles Maki. 

 

Rin rushes up to Maki and hugs her tight. She presses her face into the crook up Maki’s neck, and Maki feels hot tears against her skin. “I’ll tell Kayo-chin.” Rin looks up, her eyes wet. 

 

“Tell her what?” Maki asks.

 

“You gotta leave, right? You gotta go after her!” She pushes against Maki, though to what Maki isn’t sure. 

 

“Rin I can’t just...leave. I have--”

 

Rin grabs Maki’s shoulders. “Maki, what do you want?” Her jaw is set straight, brows furrowed. Maki realizes she’s serious. 

 

“I want...her.” It’s clear like a bell, and Maki doesn’t know why she didn’t come to this conclusion sooner. She can’t focus on anything but Nico and playing. She doesn’t have a passion for anything else that will much that. Daddy is going to kill her. 

 

All this time Nico might have been right - not about everything,  _ obviously _ , but Maki was scared. She still is, she’s fucking terrified. But when she thinks of the future it isn’t a hospital, there are no white walls only the sound of notes and her; Nico waiting and being obnoxious and annoying and beautiful.

 

Maki latches onto Rin and hugs her out of impulse. “Thank you,” she says. 

 

“Go!” Rin says with a laugh. “And keep in touch this time, nya?!” She shoves Maki away and continues to grin. 

 

“I will!” Maki yells out as she runs. She runs and her heart beats fast. There is promise where she is going, she thinks. 

 

Maki: Where?

 

She texts Nozomi and lets out a relieved breath when she gets flight information back fast. She gets to her apartment, packs sloppily. She’ll call out for the rest. Thank God for trust funds. A bag and essentials only, though the thought of leaving her piano behind kills her. She bites her lip and writes out a quick note to give to the superintendent. Drops it in the mailbox, and continues to run.

 

It takes 25 minutes to get to the airport, 5 minutes to get through basic security, 15 to get an overpriced ticket on Nico’s flight and then another 15 to get through security detail and that’s with line cuts.  She pulls out her phone, dials Nozomi and when it stops ringing, she asks, “Where exactly are you?” Her voice is breathless.

 

Nozomi laughs. 

 

_ “Who the hell are you talking to at a time like this!”  _ Maki hears Nico say, both on the phone and to the right of her. She turns and sees them all. Eli is next to Nozomi, Nozomi is next to Nico and Nico is glaring at Nozomi. Nozomi turns and meets Maki’s gaze, she smiles and waves. Nico turns to where Nozomi looks and her jaw drops. She looks at Nozomi, then further to Eli. Eli grins, her teeth sparkling. Some announcements go on over the airports system, but Maki can’t actually hear what they’re saying. 

 

She hopes that this wasn’t some stupid mistake as she watches Nico from across the airport. Her breathing is heavy, labored. But that’s not the reason her heart is pounding so loud. 

 

Slowly, Maki walks forward. “Hi,” Maki says, she swallows in her breath and smiles. 

 

“Maki what the hell are you doing here?” Nico says, pouting a little, but there is a hitch in her breath. She looks at Eli and Nozomi, glares until they scurry away. Eli mouths good luck, while Nozomi continues to laugh. “I told you, I’m not staying. I can’t.”

 

“I know,” Maki says and gulps in some air. “I know,” she repeats. “That isn’t why I’m here,” she states before ringing a hand through her hair. “I don’t care if you leave. I mean - I understand, I get that. But let me  _ stay _ .”

 

“Maki...I don’t get what you’re saying.”

 

Maki chuckles. “Of course you don’t.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Listen,” Maki says.   “Leave, but--” she sighs and fishes into her backpack; pulls out the ticket for flight. “ Plea se, just; don’t leave  _ me _ .” Nico’s mouth stays open, and Maki thinks that if a fly were to come by right now it’s go in. She shakes the stray thought away. “Let me come with you. Let me make music again.” Maki runs her hand through her hair and tries to calm herself so that she doesn’t come off as begging; so that if Nico tells her to go it won’t completely crush her, so that she won’t fall.

 

“You idiot, Maki,” Nico murmurs. Her eyes are watering, and Maki doesn’t know what to think of it. She grabs Maki’s face and kisses her hard, and Maki can feel hot tears that aren’t her fall towards their lips. 

 

Maki grabs her waist and laughs against her opened mouth. 

 

“Stubborn jerk,” Nico says in between kisses.

 

“ _ I’m _ the stubborn one?” They both laugh. 

 

“Yes, you’re stubborn and awful and a jerk.” Nico looks up and her eyes shine and she’s smiling and it is  _ stunning _ . 

 

“Well, you’re annoying and obnoxious,” Maki says back. She kisses Nico again. “And you lied,” another kiss, “and wouldn’t talk to me, but I’m here.” 

 

Nico snorts. “After years.” Her head rests against Maki’s and she smiles into the skin of her cheek. “I guess we both have issues.” She kisses Maki again and runs her tongue along Maki’s bottom lip. Her hands fist within Maki’s hair, then run to the nape of her neck. “I love you,” Nico says.

 

Maki nods against her. “I love you too.”

 

“And I’ll kill you if you leave again without saying anything.”

 

“Okay.” Maki kisses her again and again and again, until Nico stops. 

 

They both look up at a grinning Nozomi. Eli is behind her, blue eyes warm. “Nicocchi the flight is boarding.”

 

Nico jumps. “Ah!” she tugs on Maki’s hand. “Let’s go.” Maki follows along only looking up when Nico pokes Nozomi. “Trade seats with Maki and I,” she says looking at Nozomi and Eli. “She’s gonna be in the wrong section.”

 

“I have first class,” Maki says. “It was all they had left.”

  
Nico quirks a brow. “Maki trade seats with me,” she says and then at Maki’s glare she lifts her hands, “Nico was only joking,” she says in an overly sweet voice. Maki thinks back to minutes ago when she was being called idiot. In any case, she feels at peace. Nico grins up at her and shows her the new tickets. Then they board the plane and fly.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly this started out as something because i was inspired by this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXPc-HNh-Js ; and then it ended up turning into a 20k one shot but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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